I am worth nothing and have nothing.

TLDR: life isn’t worth living but I’m too chicken to kms

Is it even worth it anymore? I (21F) am fucked up. In my years I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, CPTSD. I was also SA’d in April which led to my first psych ward visit in June. I am tired. Im tired of working a dead end job while going to school to get a degree that I can do nothing with it. I have nothing left.

I “broke up” with my best (and only) friend and I have nothing. We ate together, shopped together, went out together, everything. Everything I did was with her. I thought she was going to be my maid of honor. But I have always had a hard time making friends and I never kept friends longer than 2-4 years. Sometimes it’s my fault, someones it’s not. Now I have to learn to be alone because I am a 21 year old freshman in 101 classes while people my age graduate.

Overall, I am a low value person. I’m very mentally ill and I have no real passions. I went from winning a world title in horse riding at 19 to being a shitty horse mom. I spent all my savings to buy a horse after I took a year off of riding and I wasted every cent. My horse is a piece of shit compared to what I used to ride. I used to ride for hours and now you can’t convince me to get on my horse. But I am afraid if I sell her, I’ll have nothing left of myself. Me owning a horse is all have and I don’t even like it.

The only things that keeps me alive is my family. My parents weren’t nice growing up (hence the CPTSD) but I know they regret it. Although they have ruined my life, I know they wouldn’t be able to handle me ending it. And my sister lost her close friend to suicide and I can’t put her through losing a sister.

I am rotting. I am able to function as a human, but for what? So I can hold onto my trauma for longer? So I can suffer more? I have nothing and no one and I would rather be dead.