My egg shattered

Recently I (23) have been thinking and trying things to see if I feel like a transwoman. I have shaved my arms and tried diffeent clothes. I felt more comfortable in my body more than I ever had.

Today I thought I would try going to a small gender diverse meet-up close to me. The meet up was in a little office and people could play board games, talk, or do puzzles. I only did the puzzle mostly by myself quitely. I was too shy to talk to anyone and it was mostly trans women there and suddenly I felt like a guy again. I didn't dress up I just wore my everyday clothes. Seeing everyone else fully being themselves and happy just made me feel like I could never be like them. I suddenly could see all the places where I messed up shaving. I felt like an ugly guy and that I could never be them no matter how bad I wanted to be.

On the way home I almost started crying. Once I got home I saw myself in the mirror and I'm just an ugly guy. I have been avoiding any mirrors and seeing my reflection. I put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt so I don't need to see how bad of a job I did shaving.

I just wish I was born a woman not a stupid guy.