0428 07/09/2025

I was fixing my cats' little outdoor enclosure, it was pitch black, water drips every second behind me from my mother's barely usable ac unit and the night's cold precipitation. The forest far out was lively, insects and birds chirping their own tune for their own reasons. I can hear a little girl screaming at the top of her lungs every now and then. It's probably from the autistic kid two houses away from me. I pity her mother who has to deal with three of her. I wonder if she regrets having them, or she might say that she wouldn't have them any other way. I kept looking behind me, I'm scared.

I kept imagining one of my neighbours looking at me. A sad unkempt fucker leeching off of his parents shamefully. My cold sweat in the chill night adds to my paranoia. I stopped eating my sertraline, it does jack shit on me. It only makes me feel less guilty to waste my life away. I should've been flushed rather than being born by my sad parents who can't even live with themselves together. I wonder where I went wrong, my earliest childhood memory being my father hitting my mom might indicate something but I bet that my spirit is intrinsically this way. I do not want to sleep. I do not want the day to come and go. I am guilty of wasting each minute moment in this sorry state.

I do not want to be this way. I tried calling for help but I just fucking can't. I end up shaking and crying. I'm stuck. I deserve this life, I couldn't imagine living any other way. It's unfair that I get to live so very comfortable and countless children are grotesquely murdered each day just for being born. I think the most I can do with myself is to save up what little money I can get to fly out there and use my own life to end a couple of the fuckers who are responsible for them. That's the best potential that I have, anything else is less than that.