I relapsed

Ok, it happened. Almost 70 days free from porn and today I relapsed, twice actually. It was very unconscious to be honest. What happened is that my ex is a cam model, actually I helped her to made her way into that business. So after we broke up, I still would search for her stuff and go looking for new videos because somehow it gave me more satisfaction than watching videos from random women. Then I kinda got this addictive behavior for checking if she has posted any new content or if she went online, so then I could watch this content and masturbate to it. This behavior sticked with me but during these days I'd go and see it but without the masturbation part involved, was just for pure curiosity and I'd not get tempted to masturbate to it. Now I see i was addicted to the feeling of checking for her content and seeing new stuff there. Some days there weren't, then I'd just get frustrated somehow and close it, other days there was and I'd check what it was and get "excited" about it.

So recently I've been on a study break and decided to make some money and I got a friend to do live streaming with me, and I then put content from other couples for her to watch with me and learn how it works, but we ended up having sex and I watched some of this porn content during the sex. The laptop got out of battery and we just kept going without any of it, and was just good enough. But I think that thing changed my mind somehow. I was never considering having pleasure watching porn again, and I had just decided that wasn't happening again. But it happened in the most unusual way that I could never expect how it would end up affecting me.

After going back home, I decided to search for my ex's stuff and I found some new streams she did, and they were really attention catching but I just moved on after seeing the thumbnails, as usual. But then an hour later I've drink a cup of wine and went to my bedroom. (This made me sort of drunk cause I drink very rarely). My curiosity about her content went back again and when I opened it, I got convinced was ok to masturbate to that new video of her, like really automatic behavior. Just started doing it with 0 remorse. After that, not even 20 minutes after I did it for the first time, I was there searching for more and did a second time. I really thought about keeping my streak here but that would be lying to myself and others. Actually I don't feel like a big remorse like I lost something but actually it feels more like a lesson. A part of the process I wasn't aware that could happen, that I've never read about, that I never thought of, that I wasn't ready for. But this isn't a restart at all, I'm not starting from the beginning even thought I'm resetting my streak, I'm starting from the exact same point I fell at. I didn't regressed, I just found an obstacle in the way that I would've end up finding one way or another.

So I'm not searching for any of this stuff about my ex anymore neither I'll be engaging with this type of content no matter if I'm on a "learning" session with someone, because it just open doors to worse things to happen. It's like telling your brain that it's fine, and then you can do it the other way, because it would end up being the same.