Shouting into the abyss

Please have compassion towards my disorganized attempt to discuss the elephant in the room.

Long time lurker- recently made an account so I can reach out for help.

Today marks a real honest attempt at a day 1- every other time I “try to quit” I knew inside I was lying to myself, this time for some reason feels different.

It’s been a long journey- I’ve drank daily for most of my adult life. Each day for the past 12+ years I’ve enjoyed (and then over the years started not not enjoy) about a 6 pack of beer a night. This has only increased as I often will drink a case on the weekend. Roughly 10 years ago, before my son was born, I bought a book titled Sober Dad, in hopes to be sober and a better man for my soon to be child. 10 years later, the book remains on the shelf and has collected dust. What a shame.

Fortunately for me, I’ve maintained a “functional” approach to this obvious alcoholism, performing well (well enough) at work, enjoying a close relationship to my wife (albeit different now than ever thanks to my constant numbing) and raising well adjusted and loved children. If only they knew what dad was doing behind the scenes.

Again, I drink nightly 6 drinks or so (only on workdays of course, more on the weekend) but that has since ramped up. Years ago I got my medical mj card for anxiety/insomnia and it has only become another vice to contend with. How simple it is to slam the drinks back when you are taking a psychedelic anti nausea substance with the booze. Makes taking shots of whiskey while drinking beer go down easily.

Only for a month or so (I did ONE dry January) have I gone without. Each time with the assistance of some Xanax the first week to keep my nerves down. At one point I had a medical procedure that had a mishap, I was ok in the end but the physician was quite generous with the Percocet and Xanax scripts he wrote for me, probably in hopes to avoid a problematic patient and a lawsuit. Although necessary and helpful at first, I found myself starting to feel better and well enough to drink again, and surprise, Percocet and booze though dangerous became a nightly ordeal (until the pills were gone.)

It’s astounding how ridiculous it is to admit and write all of this- I frequently get hemorrhoids that bleed (TMI) because my shits are so horrible from drinking, I often vomit from drinking, I have to plan not drinking for a few days before doctors appointments or the dentist so my blood pressure will be low enough for them to treat me (I supplement with benzos that I do not have a script for) the dentist says he sees signs of my reflux (certainly from the booze and subsequent vomiting) I have an occasional ache in my right side after a weekend bender, my skin is red and looks like ass, I wake up every single night between 3-4am in a panic- thirsty for water and relief and calm- every night, and yet I still continue to rationalize my drinking as a way to unwind.

Im so sick of this cycle and am desperate to climb out of this hole. Despite the train wreck of a life I describe, besides my wife, my loved ones and coworkers are none the wiser. I don’t have friends to share with either, as I’ve essentially pushed everyone that would ever invite me anywhere away because despite me enjoying their company and friendship, I choose to drink at home where it’s safe rather than pursue meaningful relationships and comraderie.

Thanks to you and all of your stories, because of this sub I know I am not alone and this is a battle we all face. Thank you for your vulnerability and humility that inspired me to share a bit of my story.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Here’s to day 1.

IWNDWYT