Life (During and) After the Dark Night of the Soul

I have been in the spiritual awakening process since 2019. Although I didn’t know it at the time. I noticed it in 2022 when everything in my life got seemingly more difficult. It was harder to do and accomplish the things that were so easy before.

Earlier this year, and after months of begging my Fiancé to tell me what was bothering him, I found something that I never expected.

But first, you should know, back in 2021 we were driving on 6 lane highway going to his Company Christmas Dinner. I wasn’t driving because I was on medication to treat hives and the medication suggested I not drive. So he drove.

About 15 minutes from our destination and on this highway, I was looking down at my phone when I felt the car sway. I didn’t immediately look up but I noticed out of the corner of my eye his head had dropped down. I looked up at the road and then at him and noticed he was fully passed out. His foot was on the gas and we were accelerating, I grabbed the wheel, turned on the hazards and steered the best way I could, while trying to wake him.

I was scared but calm, because I had to be. I slapped him, shook him, yelled at him, all while trying to ensure we did not crash. I tried lifting his leg off the accelerator to possibly just slow down, and managed to that way. It was dead weight and I couldn’t do it with one hand. I had to hit him harder and finally he opens his eyes.

I yell, babe, you passed out. Take the wheel, pull over…he looks at me confused, not understanding what’s going on. But he does, and we pull over. As we are pulling over his shirt is soaked in sweat and I smell urine. He’s shaking, can’t walk or stand. We breathe and are assessing everything. He’s like what the fuck happened? I explain what happened and he is freaked out.

I told him we needed to go to the hospital and he refused. We went and picked him up clothes and went to the dinner. Neither of us realized the severity of the situation until I forced him to go to the doctor. Turns out he had a heart condition, that was getting progressively worse and he needed at pacemaker at 36.

We bought a house and moved in early 2022. His surgery took place and he was in recovery for 6 weeks. April, he ended up back at work. He had been going to appointments on his own and when I’d ask what the doctor said or how the appointment was it was always very general information. Sometimes he couldn’t remember everything but I would read his paperwork and everything seemed to add up.

I got a promotion earlier that year, my oldest daughter graduated HS and moved to a new state with her dad. 3 months later she was back.

2023 I noticed my fiancé had been looking different. And that’s when the question of what is wrong, is everything ok began. He assured me things were fine, but I knew better. I ended up losing one of my dogs, unexpectedly to a neurological illness. That year, I had started isolating from my friends, seeing things I was not willing to turn a blind eye to anymore. But around the same time I had been having difficulties with my menstrual cycle.

The bleeding got worse and I was losing a lot of blood. I had been to the doctor, specialists, done all kinds of tests and finally found out I needed a hysterectomy. The heavy bleeding was from October 2023 until my surgery April 2024. I couldn’t stand, without bleeding through my clothes. I was basically bed bound. I bled through clothes at work or anywhere I went. Cognitively, I was not good. I gained a lot of weight, and the pressures at work were mounting. I did my best to show up and get shit done. But I was losing so much blood.

After my procedure I learned I had Endometriosis and Adenomyosis. I knew it, but unfortunately the only way to really determine that is through laparoscopic surgery. I recovered quickly. I was losing weight, and things were starting to get better. Except, my fiancé was looking more and more sick. But still telling me all is ok.

January 2025, I had something happen. I was sleeping but then all of the sudden I realized I was sleeping but couldn’t move. I felt my feet catch fire and the burn slowly all the way up my body. Inch by inch and I was laying there. I couldn’t scream out, speak or make noise. As it was nearing my throat I got scared. It worked its way up my throat and out of the top of my head. I felt it leave. I was crying but was finally able to move. I turned over to my fiancé and just cried. Which I don’t do. He didn’t know what was happening and neither did I, but I told him what I experienced.

He was confused but supportive and I actively began researching what could have just happened. A week later I woke up and realized that all the stuff we accumulated was just stuff and that we didn’t need it. Mind you, I was an active participant in everything we purchased, but realized none of it was necessary.

I started delving into chakras and frequencies. And it made sense and I was actively healing myself in ways I didn’t know I needed. But through this I started seeing things differently, people looked different. Concepts that were normal were now more questionable. I went through a period of time where I understood why people hurt themselves. I had noticed friends started falling away. I isolated further trying to understand.

One day in April, I looked at my fiancé and he looked sicker than usual. I asked the same question I had been asking and it was I am fine nothing is wrong. I began thinking he was hiding something from me, like maybe he found something out from the doctor and didn’t want to tell me. Or maybe he was watching porn and felt ashamed. I didn’t know but those were my top 2.

April 30th, 1am…I go through his phone and found out he had been talking to someone else. I woke him up, he denied at first and then finally admitted yes he was but hadn’t since 2022. I didn’t care. I felt betrayed. I kicked him out.

For the next 108 days, I went thru full collapse. I observed others who looked the same as he did…guilty…they looked the same. Sick. And found out those people were actively participating in some sort of betrayal against me. Family, I cut them off…friends, I cut them off. In called out corruption at work, everyone turned against me. I quit.

But, I learned something through all this…my line in the sand was betrayal from others. But I realized the line needed to be self betrayal. Had it been self betrayal a long time ago, I wouldn’t be here. I still don’t have a job, going on now 6 weeks. But the growth within the last 130 days is more than I could have ever accomplished in 5 years being in the space I was.

2021 was a wake up call. 2025 was the complete dismantling. 2026 will likely be the rebuild. Spiritually, I’ve grown. I’ve had to trust the process instead of controlling the micro details I thought mattered. I changed my frequency and things started falling into place. My foundation is being rebuilt, brick by brick. No longer board by board. I missed so much the first time. Now I’m taking the time to make sure the foundation is sturdy before building again.

If you’re in the middle of collapse right now, trust the rebuild is already seeded within you. Don’t get me wrong it was hard to trust but with no other choice, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I no longer wake up in fear, but knowing everything will work out the way it needs to.

I’m curious if anyone here had their awakening marked by betrayal or collapse? And at what point did you recognize your turning point.