Major pattern of trust breaking or minor communication issues?

Hi everyone, My husband and I are a few months into opening up our marriage (ENM). We’ve had a really rough week. I (f, married to m) made a few mistakes with communication over the last few months: • I forgot to text him immediately when I arrived at a date (something we agreed on). • I made plans with someone I’m seeing and only told my husband after instead of discussing with him first. • I said I was “leaving soon” and then didn’t call him and wasn’t reachable for 45 mins. This was bc i got dressed and politely talked for a bit and walked to where I parked which was a whole thing with the parking garage. • I changed a date from lunch to someone’s house without updating him.

To me, these felt like communication slip-ups tied to my people-pleasing habits. But to him, they feel like major transgressions, even akin to cheating. He says another man knowing about plans before he did broke our rule that we always know first.

Since then, our arguments have gotten really heated. We both have trauma backgrounds (his is complex and violent; mine is from an emotionally abusive marriage), and when conflict hits, we both get triggered. He says he can’t trust me, called me names and doesn’t love me anymore. He won’t stop berating me about the mistake(s) and I just keep apologizing over and over. When I try to defend myself in small ways (like “it’s not cheating. Please stop saying it that way.”; or “please stick to the things you’re actually upset about and stop attacking me because i wasn’t working and took two hours to go see this man.”), it comes off like I am making excuses but I’m really just trying to stop the constant attack. I’m also owning my mistakes and apologizing, but it feels like nothing lands.

Here’s where I need advice: I have a date planned this weekend with the same person. Part of me feels like I should cancel to show I’m prioritizing repairing trust with my husband. Another part of me feels like I shouldn’t give up something that brings me joy, especially when I already feel so guilty and small. I’ve made an appointment with a poly therapist for us, but I don’t know what to do until then. He just keeps threatening divorce bc he really does see it as cheating somehow. Again, i made plans with this guy and then told him within 5 mins about the plans.

So, Reddit — what would you do? Do I cancel the date for now to focus on rebuilding trust? Or is it better to keep it, since giving up my autonomy might set a bad precedent? Is there anything else I can do to help him and also show that I care without consenting to his thinking this is bigger than it is.

Thanks for any perspective.