1.5 years ago we broke up. 2 weeks ago i blocked and deleted. today i walked the opposite direction.

we broke up in summer 2024. you were my first everything. went through severe depression, anxiety, almost got fired from my then research position. even worse depression in fall 2024 when college started again. grades slipped, barely left the house. took me 4 months to cut off all communications (or so I thought) and went into no contact. used all kinds of coping mechanisms safe for substance abuse. my heart sank every time my brain recognized even the slightest memory of you on campus, my gut hollowed. every night I dreamed of you.

christmas 2024. I stayed up until 4am, drinking tea, painting, listening to Mazzy Star while trauma dumping with my best friend. she asked, "are you sure you can listen to these songs? does it remind you of whomever?" I shook my head.

3 days before new years eve. I went home across the globe. when the plane took off, I cried my eyes out, blasting Coldplay's Fix You on my earphone.

new years at home. my mom took me out to our favorite street food spot. I ranted about how I hated the train station. she said she understood exactly. I didn't have to say it's because that's where we had our first kiss. "It will pass", she said, passing me a cup of iced tea.

the night before my flight back. sitting out on the porch, I asked my dad if he remembered all the love he had lost, or all the pain he had felt. "We are emotional creature", said my dad. "There's no switch flip to erase it all. It's just there, a bit further back our memory shelf".

2025 marked the great lock-in period. I grinded courses and internship applications. made some horrible (academic) mistakes but my friends were the most kind and forgiving and still supported me through my courses. depression ensued. burnouts crashed.

summer 2025. I moved to downtown for my internship. a 9-5 schedule restructured my daily routine. for the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually did good work and not doing everything in a deadline while paralyzed with procrastination and anxiety.

I still thought of you sometimes. went to Mahler's symphony 2 "Resurrection" in june. although I was with friends, I still wondered what it would be like if you were here, holding my hands through the climax of the symphony. then I realized. you wouldn't get it anyway.

went to The Weeknd's last night of the entire concert tour in early august. as I thought about how I held you through your time of depression and internship hunt, and how I held myself through my own entire process, I screamed "Call Out My Name" until my voice is lost.

2 weeks ago. the day before my birthday, I received a text from you. no beginning, no end. I'm pretty sure you don't even remember my birthday. I went nuts. I thought I deleted all channels of contact. then I realized, this one platform was the one I barely even touched. my roommate asked, why are you so worked up about it, just let go. but she didn't know, I hated myself because deep down, I knew my stupid, emo, romantically hopeless self was still wondering if there's a slightest chance you may reach out. that's why I left it open. after all this time and distance, I still allowed myself to be vulnerable to you.

sitting on the bathroom floor, shaken, I gave my phone to my roommate and asked her to do what I should have done a long time ago.

day of my birthday. my friends all commuted from afar, bought food and cake to celebrate. my heart had never been more full.

today I walked down the hall from my lecture. I caught a glimpse of your hair from behind, the shape of your walk, the mannerisms I have come to know so well. before, I would be all dramatic, walk with my friends through the crowd, talking loudly, pretend I didn't see you just to catch your attention. but I'm doing better now.

today, I walk the opposite direction.

my heart still pounds a bit heavier when I walk away. my hands still shake, reaching down to my pocket to get my airpods, blasting the most gut wrenching songs to numb my feelings. but to my surprise, the feelings subsided quicker this time. it's still there. it just take a minute, instead of an entire day, to go away.

I hope you're well. even though I'm pretty sure I don't hold as much of a significance to you, you will always have a special place in my heart. I'm sorry I ignored you; that's because I loved you. but I have to love myself more.

goodbye, my dear.