How to stop this vicious cycle of men?

I dont know if this is the right page but I just wanna say it out to real people. Its fine if you judge me or criticize me because chatgpt isnt helping anymore and I feel trapped. A short backstory. I grew up in an extremely religious household. Wasnt allowed to wear a dress even without long pants underneath typa shit. And it just felt suffocating. In my teens I was sent to boarding school and even more discipline there so the minute I graduated high school I moved states and thats where it all started. I started falling back, way back in my studies. Started drinking, smoking, vaping and men. It started great with men honestly. I was head over heels with this guy that ended up raping me multiple times but still to this day I think I have came to terms with it. That it was indeed rape but still a part of me I hate me so much because why does a part of me still cant accept that fact. And after him honestly my life feel apart. Uni happened. Internships. Jobs. Everything but from 19 to now Im 22. With all that I still cant let go of men. All of them, every single one of them I have talked to, dated or just had fun with. Each one seems to dissapoint me one way or another and it just feels like they take a piece of my soul with them each time and yet I still keep searching, I still keep finding. What am I even looking for? I cant, I srsly cant take it anymore. When I go to sleep sometimes I have these little snipets of the moments Ive let these disgusting men do disgusting things to me. And I thought I srsly thought at one point, maybe this is who I am. I am into that hardcore bdsm shit. I like it dirty, I like it rough. But do I really? The so called doms, I genuinely feel like they have so much of pent up hate towards women that have hurt them in their lives they unconsciously pour it over through sex. I have been disrespected so many times I stopped respecting myself even. Its gotten to the point where sometimes if a dude tells me to do something my brain just does it without second thought. Why am I like this? Honestly, I think I know why. I was raised in a lowkey misogynistic family. Dont talk back. Dont raise your voice. Dont do this, dont do that. Hell even my mother keeps quiet. And its always girls do this girls do that. Guys dont. Fkin hell I still have a vivid memory of my aunt teaching me how to fold and dry clothes at 4 yrs old saying that this is how you will get a good husband.

And like I grew up doing everything, learning everything. To become that perfect trophy wife. Smart, well educated, obedient but still traditional. That was always the goal my parents had for me. But I hated it, I always hated how the women in my family were conditioned without getting anything in return besides that perfect societal family figure. Thats why I rebelled, thats why I started all this. But now Im stuck in deep and I dont know how to crawl myself back out. I thought I could handle it, but I clearly cant.