Mother in law - Shield

We live in NA, and my mother in law visits us once in a year for few months. When I am not around, she goes about checking my clothes, my room, what I have written. She believes that everything that the daughter in law has belongs to hers. She cooks special stuff for her son and even hides those from her grand children. Every afternoon, she will make something extra for her son, yesterday was three papad. The grand child who is 12 is not given. Sad part is that my husband enjoys the pampering and that is when I see his narcissism in open. At that moment he is not thinking of his child or anyone else around. She is always checking on whats happening in our bedroom, and is happiest when we have a fight. She always shows her sadness when we make up after a fight. She does not give space to me and expects me to be there just to take care of her. I am also working and over the years I am fed up with this narcissism and now a days I literally avoid her when she is around. Because of her, her elder sons marriage is almost dead and their children do not believe in marriage. My husband realizes it now but again when she comes to visit us, his expectation from me is to stay quiet as she is getting old. What I don’t understand is that even though she is getting old, her nasty ways are only increasing with each day. She comes and stays for atleast four months with us. Its been three weeks this time,  and I am literally counting days. She is a very messy person and each time she uses the kitchen, it becomes too dirty. She does not clean it up. She also has this habit of literally stealing bedsheets and crockery when she leaves. I see so much of my stuff at my bhabhi's place everytime I visit. My husband just laughs it off! I have literally hidden my jewellery because if she has access she would even take that. By the way she does not like me as I did not give a huge dowry. I was against it and ours is a love marriage. She is a very greedy lady and also very religious.

When my kids were babies, while I was breastfeeding them, she would take a chair and sit in front of me, like a principal and watch. It was so embarrassing and humiliating at the same time and would tell others if the milk is less or more. To this day, this memory haunts me.

I have always stayed quiet but now I have reached that stage where I don’t want to accept her bad ways. I have two boys and have clearly told them that I would never ever live with them. Why should a girl suffer because of me.

Every year, when her grandchildren becomes teen, she gives them money once a year and husband makes a big scene in front of kids so that they feel so privileged. Again, she would give only to her favourite grand-child. My children love my parents as they are genuinely very caring and loving. My mil knows that and she cannot stand it.

Currently I am in stage where I avoid her, when she is downstairs, I work in my office locked. When she goes to her room, I go down. It’s funny but it works. However, cannot avoid dinner time, as we all have it together and she has to mention something negative during that time. Last time she came for six month and our life was hell when she left. This time she is for four months and I have made few things clear. I make breakfast and dinner, and she makes lunch. This time for a change I clearly told her that when I cook, I want to be alone, as she has a habit of always standing and checking each and every thing I do. Thankfully, I am a good cook, so she is not able to taunt me, even though she tries. Sometimes I ignore when she taunts or reply back rudely. I have seen her doing that a lot with my Bhabhi who does not like cooking much. Sadly my bhabhi is living in a different town as she also does not stand her. When mil visits us, that is when bhabhi spends time with her family.

However, this time the difference is that I am vocal of what I am doing and clear in setting my boundary. She expects me to be very religious. I am spiritual in nature but not religious. So she gets angry about it. She even tries contacting my friends and being very friendly with them. The fake ones are very close to her but the true ones have avoided her.I just ignore all of that.

Truth is this time, each time I am setting my boundary I feel guilty internally and I am always questioning myself, if I am a bad person. Husbands stand is clear - I have brought my mom for four months and I want her to have a good experience - which is also right from his perspective. Any suggestions?