My dad is a guilt tripping narcissist

Hey guys I really need some help on how to resolve my internal issues with my dad and grow my relationship with him. We have had a very strained relationship because he has explosive anger and narcissistic qualities that have really stuck out throughout my childhood into adulthood. To make the story short, its not so bad now. I think it is because I am now an adult and living away from home so I am not there to see his "bad moments".

Safe to say we don't have a super strong relationship. I don't go to him for anything, he doesn't really share things with me. We both love each other, he is my family, but there is a lot of pent up and repressed feelings towards him that I don't think I will ever be able to resolve. Every time I do it leads to an emotional angry outburst and somehow I end up apologizing.

Its a cycle every time. I am the only one in my family who stands up to his bullcrap. An example would be a few months ago me and my brother had a movie night while my parents went out to dinner. Im not sure if he had too much alcohol or something but when he got back and saw the dishes weren't done (because duh we will do them after the movie) he got mad. And I mean mad mad. Slamming things, storming around, being INCREDIBLY passive aggressive, like the "don't look him in the eyes or he's giving you the DEATH glare" type of angry. The cycle goes like this, he has his emotional outburst, and the next day he feels sooooooo bad that he goes up to me and my brother and apologizes and begs for forgiveness. Which sounds great and all, but imagine 22 years of this happening every 3-4 months. It gets old, it doesn't feel genuine, and it becomes intolerable to the point where I am willing to sacrifice having the relationship with him I wish I could have for peace of mind.

Here's where we are now, I live away from home. I've given up on a relationship with him. If he wants to start things from fresh then that is his choice. Ive spent 22 years being the bigger person, trying to "see things in his shoes", giving him the benefit of the doubt, and Im done.

Here is my issue. He keeps sending me these YouTube videos titled, "9 micro-habits for self-regulation of trauma!" and "how to emotionally regulate!". Which sounds great. To an outside person it sounds like he is trying to make steps and connect with me.

BUT, it pisses me off. It makes me mad that he is sending me these videos and I don't know why. I don't want to bring it up to him either because that is just going to start another whole problem and I don't even want to begin that route. He keeps asking me "hey have you watched the videos I sent you?" "it would make me really happy if you watched the videos I sent you".

OH MY GOD I DONT CARE!!!!

I don't care that it will make you happy!! Where is all this "self-healing" bullshit 15 years ago??? Why do I have to be the one that helps you on your self help journey??? Why can't you help yourself??? Why can you act like a normal dad??? Why can't you be the dad I need you to be?? Why are you sending me and guilt tripping me into watching this self care bullshit??? Im not the one who needs to be listening to it!!! You are!!!

I know its fucked up to say. I probably sound awful but its how I feel nonetheless. I need help. It makes me so mad when he does this, and it makes me so sad that I don't have the "father-daughter relationship" that everyone else has.

I want a relationship but I don't know if that is possible. Is it just me holding myself back? Are my feelings even justified? Should I be feeling this way? Am I being too harsh? What should I do.
Please let me know if anyone else has been through something like this.