It’s happening again.

My boyfriend has relapsed with drugs and has been treating me like absolute garbage for the last two months. I suspected something was up but when I asked him he denied denied denied. I found out he has been taking kratom and buying Adderall off a girl at work for the last three months. Kratom makes his meds for BP2 not work so this has been an absolute nightmare paired with the stimulant. Something I have lived in fear of happening for the last year is now happening. He has become violent , hyper sexual, demeaning and condescending. I hate being around him. I hate the constant whiplash of “I’m going to get better” with no plan on how to do that. He goes from “I want to love you, and stop lying and be better” to “ leave me the fuck alone we have nothing in common you control everything and I am so annoyed and done” . I told him I feel like I can’t speak, because anything I say is met with violent incoherent tantrums. I don’t trust him at all, and any attempt at a conversation on how to build that back moving forward is met with immediate anger. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to fall out of love so I can move on and work through the PTSD. I’m scared I’ll never be in a healthy loving relationship again. I feel like I’m having an existential crisis— I haven’t been able to think past - get up go to work go to bed.