CW: emergency c section.

At 38 weeks on the day at 5am I lost my mucus plug. By 730 despite me just sleeping my sac developed a snag and I leaked the tiniest amount of water. That with some cramping promoted my Dr to push me to go to the hospital. At the hospital they were initially confused. Based on my symptoms it both sounded like my water may have broke some but it also may have just been discharge from the mucus plug. They want to test me for amniotic fluid just in case. They go to test me and my water breaks fully. After 19 hours of labor, multiple position changes, multiple labor aids, a epidural that stopped working (it got fixed turns out the tube was leaking) I only ever reached 6cm dilation and would not budge further. Baby boys heart rate suddenly dropped rapidly and I was called as a code pink and rushed to the emergency c section. It was quite frankly the worst experience of my life. It was terrifying and painful and traumatic. I felt like I was being ripped open. I was sick on myself. I was doped up on meds. didnt get to enjoy the sounds of my babies first cry. I didn't get to see him for more than a second before he was whisked to nicu (im in no way mad at the nurses/doctors. They had to do what they had to do to keep me and baby safe and were absolutely amazing) he was struggling to breath on his own. I still havent seen him and its now 24 hours since my labor started yesterday. I want to cry but im honestly just too exhausted and overwhelmed. Im beyond glad that me and little man are doing okay but I just feel like my "wonderful birth experience" that everyone promised me was shattered. I literally had nightmares over that c section afterwards. And my rock. My wonderful amazing husband who stood by tbe the entire time. Who constantly told me how good I was doing, that he was proud of me, etc, couldn't hide the fear in his eyes no matter how hard he tried. Ive called this man mine for 10 years. I know him inside and out. He tried so hard to be brave for me but I could see the fear snd that broke my heart too.