Unable to feel certain emotions

Currently, I am on a trip in Korea. I should be excited, curious, happy, grateful, and all that, but consistently throughout my entire vacation, I felt only a sense of unease. I was also recently on a school trip, we had dinner there and all of my friends said the food was terrible, but I wouldn't have known it was bad had it not been for their comments. It's not that I liked it, but I didn't dislike it either. I think I feel that way about most things. I used to like things. I know that I used to love moomins, but when we visited the moominland, I felt just a little bit happy but mostly stressed. I have values and I believe no human should be harmed, but I feel nothing when I see graphic videos. I'm scared that my feelings for what is right and wrong are not what I truly believe and that I don't actually care about anyone because I am so unfeeling.

Whenever I am yelled out, I am almost intsantly at the verge of tears. I start having violent thoughts about hurting myself or others and I used to hurt myself to deal with the intense shame and hurt I'd feel if I received any sort of negative feedback. That is really all I think I react to right now.

Even going on this trip makes me feel guilty. I have an opportunity a lot of people really want, I'm missing on my lectures and falling behind in my courses, I'm probably being an annoying ignorant tourist that all of the locals hate. I'm really trying to be good, but I feel like the very act of going on vacation is something a person like me should never do.

It's hard to get myself to do anything because nothing brings me enjoyment. The good thing is since I have had this lack of emotions I have found it easier to study when I feel alright because I have nothing to do anyway and even when I feel stupid and it feels hopeless, I just think that none of this matters anyway and I can go on studying without a hitch.

I haven't contacted my friends back at home because of this reason. I'm worried that they'll catch on and think I'm some spoiled brat. I really try to be happy, this is my first time out of Europe and I should feel immense excitement to be in a country I think I used to want to visit. Selfishly, I think I avoid my friends because talking to people really tires me out and I'm worried that the more they know about me, the more they'll dislike me.

I think all of this means I'm not really a human. I can't even think of anything that I consider a quality or trait of mine. I don't relate to anything. I am so tired when I'm around people but I crave routine that is out of my control. Personally, I have been thinking of how well prison life would suit me.

I think I even slightly feel unease on this vacation because a lot of it is going to new places and exploring with me having little structure in the day to day. Everything is very last minute. My family are much more extroverted than me and they talk a lot to each other so I feel left out a lot. I feel like when I try to engagge with them, they kind of look at me funny.

I don't really want to go home either. I dread how my friends will react. I got gifts and I will get more gifts for them, but because I haven't really been texting them, I'm sure they feel a bit of amniosity towards me.