Can't help but to feel betrayed by life since I took a benzo.

Dumb fucking diary ahead.

Wake up, groggy, quiet and same dissasioative "me" looking up at the roof like I have been since the last 8 years. Living would be for some satirical middle finger to life itself, and I choose it every day. I'm here to be alive yet another day, maybe just to brag I made it one day further than I expected.

It's so impossible to imagine anymore. When I was younger, I'd make up scenarios in my head and try to feel them and live in them, in those days I knew my life were running through my fingers because the feeling of knowing exactly what I'm capable of doing, achieving and being.. just isn't enough. It's not enough to be myself in order to enjoy anything in the life I was given. I was given a body, mind and soul- but with a slight deviation. One that rather look down at my feet as I walk in the world I'm supposed to cherish.

Anyways fast forward to first day of benzo. I was surprised immediately. I were just 1 hour ago fearing for the next minute, holding together my mind and heart in the constant distortion. But then, I wasn't even there, I looked around me. The room is filled with things, they have a surface each of their own. I heard things, each of their own frequencies. The world I was in, had stopped spinning in a way. The chair was a chair, one of those we had back in Stockholm before I was 7. I used to sit on them, barely containing my energy. It wasn't a portrayal anymore, the chair wasn't constricted to my own mind, it was rather a pretty normal chair- yet looking at it now longer felt like every other furniture, no. This chair was important to me, a friend. I think that, if anything removed the feeling of loneliness in my heart. I were surrounded by memories, stories and love just by looking around my room. It didn't feel too much, not wrong or right but just.. there. I'm probably not making sense and being overly poetic but whatever it really isn't something I can just describe by saying.. it feels good. No it feels like the only way I ever wanna experience life.

I went to school, simply because I had this aching feeling of not wanting to miss out. I wanted to be right there with my peers. I came home, I had an equal need to experience whatever lies ahead of me. Is it ok to feel this good?

But now my parents and doctor won't allow me to have it unless I'm begging on my knees crying. But I just can't imagine living life, knowing it can be spent on what I want, rather than the middle finger. Who cares if it stops working? Why should I care if it's side effects increase? Like srsly. My anxiety have apparently not only caused anxiety, but even more so a dissasioation from.. everything. I in other words haven't lived even a second. But rather just fought a strange force ever since I was young. Haven't experienced having a crush, making a friend, stood up for myself, yearning for a place, being angry, sad or happy. I hate myself. The mind that came with me. And I mean that in an sympathetic way, I really do hate myself for ruining every single second I breathe on this earth.

Surely.. there has to be some way I can have the benzo or something similar without feeling like I'm dying. Idk.. it comes in second nature to be unbothered with my unhappiness. I've always had to lower my expectations but now there IS a way to raise my expectations. Are benzo really that weak if you keep taking them? Why? Why isn't there a way to keep treating this anxiety... I'm very sad. Even though I know, there might be help looking forward I still feel equally shit as always. It's simply biological. This fucking feeling. This unbothered fucking feeling. The "oh well, it is what it is". No apparently it fucking isn't. Apparently I don't need to isolate myself, suppress a crush, hurt myself, see nothing but my own projections, the addiction, the disrespect I always feel. I am so used to not getting what I want, I can't remember when I did. Did I? My mind simply won't play good memories, even then they are greyed out.

I'm not even sure why I choose to sit here writing this. It's like the closest thing I can feel anything from is the fact I can control how much faster I can fuck myself over.