Is It Our Only Option?

My husband and I are college sweethearts. We’ve been together 15 years, and married for 10. We have three children together. I absolutely adore my husband, but he is the epitome of a “people pleaser” to everyone - but if it comes down to me/our family and another person, he will always pick the other party because he just wants to “keep the peace”.

His parents moved out of state during COVID. Now, any time we see them involves a multi-day stay at either their home or our home. (They are very frugal and absolutely refuse to spend money on hotels if there is family/friends to stay with)

I have a complicated relationship with my MIL. We are very different and don’t see eye to eye on most things. It’s been this way the entire time. I’ve tried to “play the game” to keep my husband happy, but last year everything exploded.

We were down at his parents for the holidays and the house was FULL. 15 people in a three bedroom house. We were in a room with our three small children and I was 15 weeks post partum. Meals and sleep were absolute havoc. On the fourth day, our five year old gets bit by his brother’s dog. His brother never apologized and everyone tried to downplay the situation by saying it was only a scratch. (It broke skin and my son said it was a bite.)

Overwhelmed, I took my shocked son out of the house to get first aid supplies and get him a treat. I came back to my husband absolutely livid at me - called me “crazy” in front of his entire family. Then he proceeded not to talk to me the rest of the trip.

It’s been a rough journey ever since - I still haven’t forgiven his family, nor have they apologized, and family events are awkward. My husband keeps telling me to “move on”, but despite therapy I just can’t. The blatant disregard for our child that day sealed it for me.

Fast forward to today and I found out my husband went into my email account to send photos from our last family photoshoot to his mom. All of them. She has a digital photo frame that she wants to upload photos to. He did his best to delete everything, but missed one thing that I found.

We argued and through tears I said it broke my heart for him to continually pick his first family over our family. That he was so willing to put his mom’s feelings over mine. He basically said he was “done” with me and consider us “separated”.

Only caveat is - he is very lazy. If we got a divorce, I would have to file first. I don’t know what to do. My head is throbbing from all of the crying I’ve done today.