Partner says all the right things but never changes — how long do I wait, especially with a child?

I (27M) have been with my partner (26F) for years, and we also have a son together. This isn’t just some relationship I fell into — we’ve been best friends since high school. She’s been one of the most important people in my life for almost a decade, and that history makes this so much heavier. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her. But the truth is, I’m exhausted by the way our relationship actually works.

When our son was born, I stepped in hard. I handled all the night feedings when he was a newborn so she could rest. These days, I still share the load, though not as consistently, but I’m very hands-on — I do childcare, groceries, chores, and try to hold things down. I don’t say that to keep score — just to show that I’ve been trying to be a steady partner and father.

At first, I thought postpartum depression explained some of our struggles. But if I’m honest, many of these patterns were there long before the baby. The hardest one is this: whenever conflict comes up, her default move has been to threaten to leave — and sometimes actually break up with me. It doesn’t matter if the issue is big or small. The result is the same: I’m left feeling like I have to abandon my own needs just to keep her around.

She’s admitted she has abandonment issues from childhood, and that sometimes she feels like she has to leave me before I leave her. I believe her. But the reality is, this means our entire relationship has been built on me having to constantly prove I won’t walk away, instead of her trusting me enough to stay and work through issues.

Now that I’ve set a hard boundary — telling her I can’t keep doing this if the cycle of threats and breakups continues — she says my love must be “conditional.” To me, that feels backwards. For years I’ve been living under her conditions: she leaves when she wants, and when she decides to “choose me back,” it’s framed like she’s sacrificing something to take me in again. Meanwhile, the root problems never change.

She says the past is the past, that she has faith we’ll be better, and she says all the right things — like she wants to do the work. But what I don’t see is consistent follow-through. Words are easy. What I need is evidence.

We’ve tried couples counseling, but the sessions themselves haven’t been consistent, which makes it hard to build momentum. I’ve also been in individual therapy, working on myself. Even with all of that, I haven’t seen a real shift in our dynamic.

So here I am: torn between my head and my heart. My heart loves her — deeply, maybe always will. But my head remembers the cycles, the endless threats to leave, and the way I’ve had to silence myself just to keep her from walking out. She sees it as “logic vs. faith.” But to me, faith without evidence feels like blind hope.

And honestly, I’m just tired.

TL;DR: I love my partner and the mother of my son. We’ve been best friends since high school, and my love for her runs deep. But our relationship is unstable: she has a pattern of threatening to leave over conflicts, says all the right things about wanting to change, but I don’t see consistent follow-through. Couples therapy hasn’t been consistent, and even with my own therapy, nothing feels different. Now that I’ve set a boundary, she says my love is conditional — but I feel like I’ve been living under her conditions for years. I’m torn between my heart and my head, and I’m exhausted. On top of it all, we’re co-parenting our son, which makes this even harder.

My question to you all: Has anyone been in a relationship where your partner’s abandonment issues drove a cycle of threats to leave, promises to change, and little follow-through? How do you know when to keep believing and when to finally walk away — especially when there’s a child involved?