Vent part 2

It's been 8 days since you ended this and I simply walked away. And I hate it. I shouldn't. I should be oddly grateful. I sleep some now. Not tossing and turning all night, concerned I said something that triggered you. My hand, which started shaking weeks ago when I sensed this inevitable, has stopped trembling. And as much as it pains me, a small part of me feels relief.

Which leads to guilt. Why do I feel relief to be unwanted by the only soul I yearn for? When we stood together, in each other's arms, surrounded by the warm breeze on the farm, I felt peace. Calm. Serenity. And then you got scared and pushed. Told me you would years ago. Not intentionally. If you're aware you do it and don't try to face it, it is intentionally though.

And I did what most discards do. Was I not good enough? Did I do too much? Not enough? Was I too clingy? Or simply was I not worth it? The burning question that has hung over my head for as long as I can remember. And now, after forty some odd years of asking, I finally have my answer. It doesn't matter.

My whole life I have played second fiddle as it were. Never good enough, never smart enough, never worth it. There was always a better option. The risk of me wasn't worth the risk of losing "him" or bruising ego or facing fear. And along the way, I became tired of fighting it. I wore down. I accepted it. And when you came along, for a moment, I felt like I was the main player. I have to admit, it was addicting. And then you pushed. I was too needy, too clingy.

I went away then. Just for a couple of weeks. Allowed you time to breathe. Told you silence messes with me mentally and we spoke. Made plans for dinner. That never happened. We saw each other. Spent time together. For months, we got closer, slowly. Then too busy. No time. Other people, sure, but not me. And then your bestie sees me and two days later, you can't do this. I felt the push, but I handled it as maturely as I could for someone who was trying to build a connection with someone who barely texted, much less wanted to see me. She just gave you the incentive to pull the plug.

The irony is, for someone who is "bad at relationships", you're pretty great at them. You bond with her, have a designated date night, make sacrifices for her, ensure she's happy and doesn't miss you. Can't say it though, triggering. You once told me you strive for balance. Somewhere in the middle. That's not true, though. What you strive for is personal satisfaction. Damn the collateral damage. So long as you're happy.

I wasn't worth the risk. I was everything you wanted and even that wasn't enough. That's why the answer is it doesn't matter. No matter how much I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I give, even if it's pieces of my soul, in the end, it will never be enough. So what little I have left, I keep for me. I will preserve it and protect it. Alone.