I don't know how to find my way back

My mom has been battling cancer for 8 long years. It seems like we are at the beginning of the end. I don't have a big support system to lean on.

During covid I slowly became agoraphobic working remote.

I don't even wanna get into my themes and triggers but my mom gave me reassurance for everything.

That can't happen anymore.

I don't want it to happen even if it could.

I'm just as funny as asking for it as she was of giving it to me but I honestly don't know how to find my way back.

Everything feels so incredibly triggering every single day doing any basic task feels like I'm drowning.

I wouldn't even get my own grocery orders or the porch or drive myself anywhere.

With her in the hospital I had to go 0 to 1000 and I am terrified all day every single day and all night every single night.

I don't know how to give myself reassurance when I need it or can't cope or can't stop compulsions.

I ruminate for weeks. Not days or hours.

My mom is dying and I've been trying not to waste so many hours in the morning simply letting the dog out before making the agonizing drive to the hospital where I often go in circles and waste more time or the compulsions I do between exiting my car to getting into the hospital to finally see her for the night before going home and doing the same thing.

I'm so scared of losing everything.

I have a remote job so I can pay the bills but holy shit is this impossible.

Can I even undo all this damage after living this way for almost 3 to 4 years?

I want to get better so my mom can see that while she's here.

I don't want her last thoughts to be worrying about if I can take care of myself.