I miss you the most

I miss you and it’s made me an angry and bitter woman. I want to talk to you the most and I do not understand why. Sometimes it felt like you did care. You still checked in. But I became so hurt that you moved on and got very public with it. I still remember that day, when I was opening Pandora’s box and I saw the picture of you two on her profile from a comment she wrote. I shouldn’t have been checking you page anyway, you didn’t even keep me as a mutual friend. But somehow whenever I would post a story, you’d pop in and it hurt because why were you still checking? I had false hope that maybe it meant that I actually meant something to you, but logically I know you discarded me multiple times. I thought the right way was to block you. I never wanted to end whatever little communication we had but I just…. Kept myself in a loop of hope.

I miss you and sometimes you come across my people you may know. I unblocked you again a little after a year had past when I saw your friend request. I still don’t check your page. I’m afraid of what I might find. Seeing you with her last year really did me in. And I realized, I was in love with you. It’s just, the creative you. The single dad you. The independent you. Firefly confident. I admired you, even tho you were younger than I was.

Idk anymore. It was never about the sex and sometimes I wish we could have actually been vulnerable with each other. The way you opened up to me before I made the mistake of taking it to far just because you kissed me, well…. It was hard to come to terms with that. It hurt, being at a distance after that. An arms length. I couldn’t be hanging out with you because everything about you is handsome to me and makes me automatically get under dressed and have you make love to my body. But it wasn’t just the way you look. It was the man I saw behind your mask. The one you hide away, fellow weirdo.

I have said some really mean things about you publically and for that, I apologize. I was so hurt that you obviously never were going to choose me that I chose to walk away for good. I can’t bear to watch you give someone else, what I wanted from you.

I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I still sometimes find myself praying for you too. Not in a revenge way, even though you probably would think so due to stuff I said on my page. My hopes are, you never saw it. My hopes are, you never think of me at all. Even though, deep down, I wish you could love me the way I love you. I love you and you don’t even see value in me. I just… wish you were nicer to me was all. You didn’t have to be like the rest but you were. Could have been honest too.

I miss you. I’ll always miss you and your sad brown eyes. I know you still have a heart there somewhere. Take care of it. And yourself. I worry about you and your health a lot.

I don’t want to say goodbye, but it feels like it is. I still haven’t heard anything from you. And I also understand why. I just hope this doesn’t last forever because I can’t let go of you energetically. You still are on my mind and I can’t just forget you. Your name follows me everywhere Rico. You vastly impacted me. And I love you for it even tho you would never know that.