My year started in a strange way ( first time )

First part.

So, basically, i have a problem, or just some thoughts that i want to put into perspective and think about but i want your opinions to contrast mine and have different P.O.V.s.

So, for some context. My names m*****d, I’m 19 and i live in Belgium. I have an insane level of anthrophbia ( irrational fear of humans and anything related to them such as social interactions, their opinions, their eyes, etc…)

I have been victim of bullying since my first days of school, So I never ever had anyone i considered close in my life. Never ever had a friend, no family i considered close, just me and my nutsack all alone… And this is not a flex, this is my life.

I am not a try hard in my life. Everyone at school knows me as the nice, polite, chill, serviable, religious, kind and gentle boy. People aren’t scared of me and dont despise me ( i hope ), Every single teacher in my life knows that I’m just a very big sweetheart who hides cuz of traumas. I’m just not attractive enough to be worthy of anyone’s time.

I am bald, I have a long, rough, full, untouched beard, I have a strongman build with insane leg genetic, I am constantly on the bulk and generally the largest and strongest person in the class, I have an unhealthy passion for martial arts and fighting, I have weird passions like ”learning emotions”, ”languages”, etc… And just the basic ”quiet kid pack” without the badboy side of it.

About my class this year, I have nothing to say that really matters. We’re 2 boys in a class of 20, and i have no desire to know any of them.

But there is that one girl…

She is new to the school And i dont know how to feel…

I wont describe her precisely cuz all that is needed to be known is that she is angelic to me. The first time i looked at her and heard her voice, it felt like a genuine dream. Her pale skin, black hair with a soft and tender voice in a so short body. Everything about her makes me insane, and this is just physically…

For some context. I have a certain passion for languages. I speak 3 fluently and 1 that I’m learning. I never said it to anyone, no one knows about my skills because of my fears.

But during the presentations, in a desperate time where i litteraly tried to kill myself, The info slipped and i said it that i have a passion for languages. And at the end of the class, that angel came to me and spoke to me !

It was the first time anyone ever approached me to talk to me instead of just asking me something. And if you remember, my physical and mental state is fucked.

But she came to me and talked to me in English ! I told her that i was too shy to speak like this, But after some forcing, she made me speak in my natural accent !

It might sound normal to everyone, but for me it felt like the end of the world ! She took down one of my security walls i built around myslef using only kind and gentle word…

I cant count how many times i responded ”not really” to a ”do you speak English ?” But she, she made me speak real English with my natural London accent ! Which is something i never ever did in my life…

She is the first person that i genuinly desire to know. She has been in my head since the first time i saw her, It’s like my heart yelled at me that something was strange as soon as i saw her… I think about her H24, she is the only reason i havent left school this year… She is the reason i havent killed myslef so soon… She is a hope i prayed god to grant me..

I dont know what, how or when to feel though… Even after meditation, introspection and research, i havent found anyhting truly helping …

Is it romantic love ? Probably.

It might be because i have that desire of her to be with me, That desire to be close to her, very deep desire. Every time she speaks to another boy, I feel like a sharp sting in my little tiny heart… Even if i know it is totaly irrational and that i dont have my word to say in her social life, It still stings and all i can do is learn about that feeling and try to understand and master it. So all i do is observe from afar like i did all my life and hope.

There’s also a little tiny chance that its just a very high level of friendship. But i never had a friend, so i cant tell which one it is. But after numerous mediation, numerous contradiction and question, I’ve came to the conclusion that theres a 90% chance that its romantic love.

But idk… I’m so lost bro..

All i know for now is that its been 2 weeks since i met her. I have her snap ( i have no sexual desire towards her, not now, i just want to be close to her ) We speak a little every day, may be 2 minutes a day, Not because she is cold but because i end the discussions becasue of fear of bothering her.

And yesterday, we spoke for a whole time ! We laughed, we looked at each other, we played, we spoke, etc… And it genuinly felt like the best day of my life.

So, i prayed god, I asked for clarity. To either make my love to her real and reciprocated, Or to free me from thinking about her.

To either make her be with me or strip her from me.

In both cases, it is goodness, it is happiness, it is freedom.

I either will be the happiest man alive with the woman I believe to be the best of the world, Or i will go back to being lonely, go back in my element where nothing is frustrating and scary.

So, that’s about it, thank you for reading this far, it truly means a lot to me, And i never, ever lie, not even in the slightest, i made it a way of life to never lie. So truly, thank you to have read, i am truly happy if anyone have read it.

Love !