[33F] dating [40M] Mother and Friend likes to stick their noses in the relationship

33F dating 40M

Couldn't get this post to be accepted in r/s advice...

Started out well. Dating for more than 5 months. Became complicated with his mother because I work for him (and her) under a family business.

Long story short, his friends and family used to like me until they didn't get what they want to happen for his bday party since he just wanted to celebrate with me and relax out of town.

After which I started to hear how unhappy she is with my looks and attire especially my facial piercings (which I eventually removed to ease the pressure for my partner) and my hair color. It's funny because his mother dyes her hair blonde everytime. I was hired looking how I am and now that I'm dating him, I apparently look like I can no longer represent the company (her words too).

And then came the racist remarks from his mother, saying I'm a (my race) prostitute, I've got no monetary input, my background is wrong, she thinks I'm in a relationship to get his money when it sounds to me that it's them (mom & friend) who wants to gain more from him than anything else -- the party they were planning for seemed so elaborate and it gave me an impression that he'll pay for it all. She also made statements that I was taking him away from her (for the weekend bday treat I planned and paid for him).

Now his close F friend sent me a message one day after she blocked me for sometime, asking to reach out at any stage if I have his best needs at heart. She's also making condescending statements like, he doesn't look like himself just like the past couple of months (indicating when we started dating?) and also asking him why he always leaves early when they hang out now.

I understand I just came in his life and I'm not from this country. However, my mother did not work hard to give me proper education. I worked as early as 16 to save up and be independent. I spent my 20's working my ass abroad until I moved to another country so to receive such degrading comments from his mother like that is heartbreaking.

I previously been in an 8 year relationship and we always shared the bills and expenses when we spend time out. Which I also do at the moment with him and we're both happy about this arrangement.

He did eventually stood up for me when he heard that from his mother but now it's getting quite awkward at work. I don't even want to see her or be around her and his F friend. I couldn't get myself to fake my smile and laughter around nasty, judgmental, feeling elite people.

It bugs me every day since then. I don't want this for him. He tries but they are not backing out. His F friend bothers me a lot too, I can feel it in my guts. She doesn't seem to understand her boundaries and keeps putting her nose in his relationships (wasn't the first time).

I literally had to ask him to tell her to respect who I am in his life. If the roles were swapped, I don't think she'll be happy to find out another woman is messaging and hanging out with his man constantly.

I just don't know what to do. We started living together and it's great. I like him a lot and I love him so much that I want to continue but at the same time I'm scared to be dropped off anyhow just because he's under pressure between me, his mom, and his friend. His mom and his friend are close btw. This F friend of his makes me panic and paranoid. I honestly don't want him to hang out with her anymore but I'm just his gf. For some reason he likes hanging out with her, he made it clear they're purely platonic but I'm still confused.

I feel like I'm the outsider, I feel confused because whenever I raise this with him, he tends to wait it out until another issue comes in. I don't want this to escalate further and FFS he's 40. He should be able to live his life the way he wants to.

I want to try and be present when he goes out with them again because he did say they think something is wrong when I'm not around, well yes to that, but it's not me. I want him to set the tone and tell them to respect me first before anything else but he's also so slow in doing that.

I'm thinking of getting therapy to tackle this down because my nervous system is so chaotic. I couldn't stop overthinking, couldn't sleep well, I'm always preoccupied with thoughts. And because he's not so vocal about how he feels towards me, I kind of started to distrust him and watch his actions and words closely. I try to come back and convince myself that he wants to stay with me and he has chosen me, he's made future plans, he loves me, but the other part is just louder than the rest.

I'm already a very insecure person with past trauma and wounds that is eched in my heart so for me to also beg for his affirmations, attention and time to feel more secure affects me a lot. I know love is work and a team effort, I do believe he puts in his part but with everyone surrounding him around is so soffocating.

Need some advice what's the best course of action for me and him on dealing with this.

Thank you, sorry for the long post. Here's a potato 🥔