Letting go

It's hard because letting go of you is entwined with letting go of my bio family, the lifestyle, the cult. I left the cult but it hasn't left me. I learn new things every day- things I didn't know or understand because I was isolated. I fought being brainwashed, I've always been headstrobg, but it's still there waiting to be proven right...waiting for all of my fears and grief to drown me.

I refuse it. I feel empty in sone ways right now. You are so much a part of me but I have to let myself grow to fill the emptiness. That's exciting and overwhelming. I'm old enough to be aware of the pressing presence of time. But I can do anything I want. I can be whoever I am. That's liberation. But they never tell you about the loss...the ache that comes with being free. How alone it can be.

I hope very much that you're living the life you want you live. That you're thriving. I hope ducks remind you of me. That's a little selfish but it's a small thing, hopefully a harmless musing.

You didn't fail me. I didn't fail me. External circumstances were brutal for us. Nothing can survive a cataclysmic explosion. Well. Love did even when it would have been easier to hate. Not you here but everyone else. I don't hate them. I fear them but I still love them even after the violence and brutality and sexual trafficking. It's silly but I don't hate anyone. Not really.

I've found my peace. I can sit on my porch and watch the town by a great forest that I live within. Hummingbirds fly into my scarlet colored hair. Mistaking me for a flower- I express myself colorfully after all. I am who I was meant to be even with my disabilities and struggles with personal interaction. I've found a home.

I miss you. Thank you for everything. I feel hollow letting you go. You mean everything to me but that's not mutual and that's okay. I don't regret loving you.

I'll be okay- "I've been through worse scraps than this- I just can't think of any right now."

It can't rain all of the time,

Han