I feel like I'm a rubbish Mum..

Hi All, So I've Been running my own business for 5 years now, it's been a struggle after recovering from the trauma of chemotherapy, but I'm close to levelling up which will mean financial independence at last! I was abused by family members as a kid and its never been discussed and I've been ostracised because I brought it up. Weve been no contact for 20 years. Plenty of other times I was abused also, but last year I took a real turn on my healing journey and have healed alot. During this time, my sons father left us and stopped paying, our parents don't invest in my son and have never sent him birthday cards, Xmas cards, or even picked up the phone....we are alone, just me and my son..and I see the affect it has on him. I feel so guilty for not cultivating a better family for him...he doesn't deserve to be alone like this. Anyway, we were talking about his dad and he said his dad is the best Coz he's a gamer....which is sweet, but his dad has an addiction to gaming which is why we broke up..so I carelessly said - yeah but he didn't put his Son first did he? Oh gosh....his face dropped and I felt awful!! I just slipped out, I never meant to hurt him like that. Now i feel like the worst mum. anyway, I feel like I'm trying so hard at everything, I have awful anxiety at the moment and it rubs off on my son, I can see it. I'm so scared ill fuck him up....can anyone relate?