Trying to move on from loss of ESA animal/my soul cat

TW/CW: Death/loss of a pet/loved one, trauma.

Hi all,

In April, my beloved kitty passed away unexpectedly at 20 years old. I can't share much without activating the memories of the day again, but it was very sudden and unexpected. She was doing amazing for her age.

My darling kitty was always with me because she loved me more than anything. She DEMANDED to be cuddled at all times; she insisted on being held over my heart so she could curl up with her head tucked into the crook of my neck. I bought a baby sling so I could walk around with her strapped to my body- that's how much she hated to be apart. My soul kitty could sense when I was spiraling or anxious before I noticed, and she would aggressively demand cuddles to calm me down. It always worked to hold and love on her. If I tried to kennel her for vet appointments she would bust out. All 8 pounds of her would become like a furious wolverine and she'd break the metal door open. SOMEHOW. I even watched her do it once! She was also insanely vocal and screamed in the hallways of the house if she couldn't find me. Sometimes she did it dramatically because I would only let her sit on my lap and she wanted shoulder time...silly cat.

We used to have another cat. He passed away almost a year ago (a few more days and it will be a year) and that was also traumatic for me. He died in my arms at the emergency vet from an ongoing battle with CHF. The vet was so heartbroken that the office sent us a beautiful bouquet and a card. They even called later to ask how we were doing, then emailed me as well. He was a gem, an absolute sweetheart of a massive orange tabby. He used to sleep with me and provided DPT when I had nightmares.

Losing my kitties so close together destroyed me. But in February (between cat deaths) my senior pug was diagnosed with mass cell cancer.

I vowed not to get another pet. I told myself the loss was too painful- I couldn't go through it again. Never again.

But my emptiness is terrifying. I've never had to deal with the full onslaught of my mental health without my cats.

The thing is...I live with a family member who is forbidding me from getting another cat. She doesn't want to "deal with it". She likes animals, but hates the hair and the barf and the litterbox smell. The cat with CHF was technically hers but I can count on one hand the amount of times she let him on her lap in the 10+ years we had him- three times.

I can't keep having panic attacks and nightmares like this but I don't know what to do. I'm working with my doctor and three therapists but it's not helping. Not like my kitties.

A while ago I was at a pet store for dog food and stopped to hold one of the cats available for adoption; I felt all my anxiety and pain melt away when this cat, a stranger, nuzzled under my chin and started purring with affection. I almost cried right there in front of the employees.

I haven't stepped foot in a pet store ever since. I don't know what to do.