I’m burned out when it comes to socializing

I don’t think I was ever the kind of person to people please because I already knew at a young age it wouldn’t work out. I did think I would find my place to fit in one day. However, I now feel like it’ll never happen.

Growing up it seems as though people approach with these unspoken expectations and get mad when I don’t subscribe to it. People would want to be my friend at first but then get mad when I speak. I’ve been told that I was better silent and some girls decided to stop being friends with me because I wasn’t talkative enough when others were around (like 10+ people). I try to just do my own thing but it never works. Some people just want to talk to me only to be disappointed.

I never knew what I was doing wrong and it always felt so isolating. Like no one understood me. My mom knew I was diagnosed with Asperger for years never mentioned it until I got into an argument with my siblings one day. She then said “leave her alone she’s autistic” I didn’t know what it was. It went over my head for years. It wasn’t until I met my bf I started realizing it affects me far more than I had noticed.

I feel very resentful when I think about the past. I’m naturally a kind person but people think it’s something to take advantage of. So I have to be a bitch to get respect. I’ve had 2 different therapist and they would always confirm I’m not the problem and I need to assert boundaries. I do that respectfully and directly and they take it as a joke. So I have to be a bitch. Then they leave me alone. They don’t expect me to defend myself so it comes as a shock to them and then they feel intimidated by me.

Im sick of people. I just want them to leave me alone. It seems that’s too much to ask. They don’t like me but they’re always in my business. Always talking about me or to me. Then complain to me as if I’m supposed to drop everything and change for them. I want to them fuck off. It’s really annoying to have to be a bitch when it’s not like me. I don’t want to make friends anymore. I’m fine with just my bf and maybe a cat.

People would say “don’t think like that”. As far I see it’s the truth. I’m a black woman and I don’t fit the stereotypes about what a black woman should sound like or act like. I’m hyper feminine and been that way since I was a child. Black women aren’t allowed to be timid, soft spoken, and feminine. I’m not supposed to like any other music besides rap, hip hop, and rnb ( I do like those genres but that’s besides the point). I am attractive and that’s why people are always in my business. They take my social awkwardness as me being arrogant. I’m not supposed to be book smart because again I’m black and I’m attractive. Black and attractive means I’m supposed to be a total air head.

Also because I’m a black woman im supposed to be an open book and put every one else before me. They want me to be open so they compare themselves to me. I’ve had alot of jealous friends and people around me. I basically get told everything about me is wrong. So I don’t like the idea of having people in my life now. I will never fit in. I can at least be tolerated by smart people. That’s the only place I was left alone. They noticed I’m different they just don’t give me shit for it. So yeah fuck the world I’m over it.