Mental paint to the point it psychically hurts.

I want to die. I would never kill myself, but if there was a magical button that could erase my entire existence, I would press it in a heartbeat.

I am not even 18 yet. I just moved in alone because of university. Honestly, living alone has been my life's purpose since I was born. I thought that escaping from my family would magically delete all my traumas but unfortunately it doesnt work like that. I am completely alone. Sure my mother is around and I know that she loves me (in her toxic way), but still I am alone. I have completely alienated myself from the society these past three years, to the point it felt like I was a ghost.

I wish I could stop feeling. The pain is so intense that my chest feels tight all the time and there is this constant feeling of doom. I dont want to live like this, I just want to not live at all. I know that hurt is inevitable in life but I cannot take anymore. I feel like I have experienced 10 lifetimes worth of pain and the cup has just overflowed. I cannot form any relationship with people, I will always pull away first because I know the ending and it's better sooner rather than later. I dont want to do anything honestly. I just want to sit in a cave and rot.

I am broken and beyond repair. I am completely unlovable and what is the point in life when you know you are destined to be alone? Loliness sucks the life out of you and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Combined with depression, cptsd, eating disorders and self harm it just ruined me.

This was a bold post but anonymity for the win. I dont know if I am even looking for advice since everything is pointless but I just wanted to talk since I never do.