17M, what do I do

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m always stressed when I don’t need to be, I keep asking for help and feeling lonely but once I do get help I push them away and expect them to just know what’s wrong with me even though I know how stupid that is, and I’m just always tired. I can’t go to professional therapy-my parents tend to either extremely over or under react to these short of things-and my friends don’t really seem to care. I’m trying my hardest to keep it together and seem like I know what I’m doing and that I’m ok but some days I feel like I belong in a mental hospital, constantly scared and wanting to get angry at and push people away for doing nothing. I don’t even know what I’m getting at or what I’m asking for, this whole post is just a rambling mess from a man who’s just so lost. Maybe what I’m really asking is, how can I stop my trauma from making me a stressed out, cruel, and abusive person. I just want to be normal for once and not think of myself as some horrible cruel person. I’m always tired, no matter how much sleep I get or how good I eat I always just want to fall on the ground and go to sleep for years as to not be disturbed or hurt anymore. What’s wrong with me.