I have too many problems there's something wrong with me

I'm at a stupid party I was invited to and I was really excited but now I'm panicking idk what's wrong with me idk why I do this to myself. I have a strong hatred for the way that I look, I'm trans, and even though I know my bio women friends accept me and view me as a woman I still feel some need to not do certain things with them like swimming, and again I hate how I look especially in swimsuits. I also fear that even looking at my friend's in swimwear is me sexualizing them, and it bothers me, ik I'm not but I feel disgusting. I want to do things with my friends but I feel like I shouldn't. I push them away and then run back to them, idk why I'm like this, I feel like I have a need to, to like, make sure they won't leave me. There's something fucking wrong with me I feel like I don't deserve friends I don't deserve happiness because I just push it all away I need help but in the current state of the US Im fucked. Idk what to do