Advice please

So I’m posting on here because I am looking for Christian’s that can understand my situation. I believe Jesus is the truth. However I am finding that I’m suffering a lot of cognitive dissonance since being one. I am also gay too. Since becoming a Christian I have told myself that being gay is wrong etc etc because the Bible says it is suppressing my attraction which have only led to me being more depressed since I’m thinking I’ve got to be single forever.

Then also when I see people that are openly in the gay community who express themselves with fashion (who the right would call ‘woke’ and mock them) I am finding that when I see people like that with individuality I look at them with no judgement and love it and actually think it’s iconic that people can express themselves so confidently. But then my mind tells me to stop doing that and see them as broken and bad and ‘woke’. When I never did that before. It’s like my mind is trying to telling me to look at them how right wing Christian’s see them when deep down I don’t see them that way and my NATURAL way is actually the opposite.

It then makes me feel like I have to mold myself into what they say to make me a genuine Christian because of Gods word. Which then leave me utterly resentfully of my actual faith. Then obviously self loathing of being gay myself. Did anyone else experience this type of cognitive dissonance? I feel like I have to constantly block myself from what I actually feel or do and force myself to see people different to how I naturally see them. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I need to do these things because ‘God said it’. I also find myself judging myself so I’m a little bit feminine and when I act like that I find myself trying to act more masculine too.