Better Luck Next Time

For the last 4 years I have endured this and put myself through hell for what? I’m so stupid. I’m so dumb for having a child with someone who hates me. He didn’t hate me prior to this child but now he does. Tells me how I don’t look flattering in clothing and how he just wishes I had more ass and more hips. My body is my body and even if I’m not an instagram model, I’ve given everything to him. My best years of my life, I’ve opened credit lines for him and even allowed him to sleep in my car at one point when things were very bad in the beginning. Since moving in this relationship ship has imploded year by year.

This man makes me want to kill myself. I won’t do it because of my baby but I fear when these kids don’t need me anymore and he continues to tell me I’m ugly as I age….I’m going to act on it. He has blown up and lost his shape and I love him, caress him and tell him I love his body. He tells me he lives my body but then critiques me all the time. “Pull your shirt down so we cannot see your flat ass”, “I dont think so” or “I don’t like it, change please” all while looking me up and down.

I hate that a man’s words mean anything to me, but here we are. I’ve already cut my eating, I’ve begun glp-1 patches and say no to anything offered to me so o don’t get bigger. I am sad and hurt and I don’t want to see anyone or anything. I hate that my life is deduced to worrying about my weight and money. I’m a failure and I feel it a lot these days.

My baby is happy though, so I can rejoice in that.