scared of triggering other people with my body once i hit my goal weight

TW: suicidal thoughts, mention of self-harm / this is a subdued rant so it's a little long sorry

one of the things thats just sure to ruin my day is getting on social media and seeing a person who is clearly anorexic doing a fit check (that's also usually a bodycheck). of course i can't immediately tell they have an ED but when they're highly underweight and have visible self-harm scars, you kind of just know there's a 90% chance they do, right (of course they might just have a physical illness, or it's a side-effect of depression, etc, i just mean that an ED is very likely). plus, oftentimes when i stalk their accounts they interact with ED content!!!

they make me feel horrible, like "that person is a 'better anorexic' than me, they're hurting more than me because they have more, fresher scars" and then i just go into a whole suicidal self hating spiral (dont even get me started on the comments that preach "stop saying this person is unhealthy they're beautiful and you're all just jealous cos you're fat" when the person is clearly VERY underweight)

i still have an ED, not glorifying it i fucking hate it and people who promote it with all my life, but i'm still losing weight consistently and really close to my goal. but what scares me is i'll become the same kinds of people who trigger me once i get to my goal. whenever i see one of those fitchecks/bodychecks i get so upset, in my head i just direct all the hatred in my body towards that person like "how the hell can you show your sick body off like that on a platform with sick kids like me on it, when you know it can reach them and hurt them"? (YES I KNOWWW OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY TRIGGERS BUT I CANT HELP MYSELF. especially if they're purposely bodychecking, no trigger warning, on a platform that's not catered to sick people).

i realize i'm just being hypocritical because the whole point of me losing weight is so i can "finally look pretty and show myself off and be proud of it." like im hating on others for living my dream lol. also, obviously they're not 100% bodychecking, they could just be an anorexic person who wore a pretty outfit and wants to show that off, inadvertently showing their whole body too. and no one's obligated to hide their body or their scars for the sake of others, please don't think you should because of my post, i just get mad as an instinctive thought because i'm jealous lol

but anyway, yeah i'm terrified that when i reach my goal weight other people with disorders might see me and feel the exact same way i feel about those people. i don't want to trigger anyone or for them to feel bad because of me. it's really bad because i MEAN it when i say my day is fucking ruined when i accidentally scroll onto a video of someone bodychecking, like i've had a 2 hour crying/self-harming mental breakdown because of it once. i never used social media much before but this made me quit last week (actually very healing i recommend) - of course i'm using reddit right now to post this lol but i don't plan on using it much more

i don't have extreme body dysmorphia or anything, only for a very specific part of my body but the rest i think i have a good image of. i can tell already that i look unhealthy and skinny bc im nearing my goal weight, so i've been wearing hoodies and maxi skirts to school to hide my body and scars. but i am somewhat of a fashion snob and i want to start wearing my favorite, more revealing pieces again...i just don't want to hurt anyone by showing my body (yes i know how narcissistic that sounds).

like even now when im wearing baggy outfits to hide, my classmates and friends will still sometimes say stuff like "ughhh you're literally so skinny i hate you" (in a lighthearted-ish way of course i'm not being bullied lol) and my heart breaks because two years ago that was me, looking at my also anorexic friend's body and in my head thinking ("oh my god i hate her why is she so skinny" [i actually love her with my whole heart it's just the ED brain talking])