After 8 years with one man, now I’m getting fucked senseless by strangers and honestly, I feel filthy but alive

I’m 27, Irish, and until recently, I’d only ever been with one man my ex. We’d been together since I was 19. First love, first everything. We lived together, planned a wedding, even joked about baby names. I honestly thought I’d be with him forever.

Then we split this summer. No big drama, no cheating, just quiet heartbreak. I cried in the shower for days but kept telling myself I was fine.

Then something inside me snapped.

I downloaded Tinder, shaved everything off, put on lipstick, and went absolutely feral. I’ve been bent over in grim hotel rooms, sneaking into pub toilets, getting fucked in cars, corridors, and once on a beach lol never again, sand everywhere. Lads with tattoos, thick accents, lads who barely spoke before grabbing my arse. One made me squirt so hard I thought I’d pass out. Another had a praise kink, calling me his “good little toy” while choking me I nearly lost my mind.

Some nights, there were no condoms. Not because I was careless I just let it happen, wanted the raw, unfiltered feeling. And the night I gave up my last line I let a lad fuck me in the arse. I’d always said I wouldn’t, but I didn’t stop him. It hurt like hell but also felt like shedding the last bit of the girl I was.

For weeks, it was thrilling. Dirty. Shameless. I loved feeling wanted, taken. I craved the look on their faces when I dropped to my knees. No chat, no strings just filthy release. I rode like I was trying to scrub him out of my body.

But now… after the fifth walk of shame this week, it’s different. Sometimes I lie there after they’ve rolled over or left, feeling less like a person and more like a hole used, empty, and complicit, just to feel something for a few minutes.

I wanted power, but sometimes I just feel dirty. Not sexy hollow. Chasing intimacy but all I get is sweat and silence.

Still… I’m not stopping. Not yet. Maybe it’s toxic, messy, but I’m not ready to be the quiet girl who never tasted the wild side. I missed out on my twenties now I’m making up for lost time.