X-Posting my story in this community as well as it might ressonate closer with folks here. Also open to receiving advice and thoughts to my closing statements and "Looking forward" section. Sending much love to everyone ❤️

Hey everyone! Long post ahead.

TL;DR: This is a condensed narration of my life as a gay 28M.

Content warning: Mentions of internalized homophobia, negative self-talk, and negative emotions.

I've tried to keep it light in terms of describing specific traumatizing events (I've purposefully skipped various hateful religious interactions and ideas) and I'm primarily describing feelings and emotions instead. I am sharing this here in the hopes that it makes people feel less alone and to discuss on our common experiences and struggles as LGBT+ people 🙏

Prelude

How many versions of ourself do we end up creating throughout our lives? How many of these do we maintain at a given point and how many will stay with us till we draw our last breath?
And where does this amalgamation leave me today?
It is an elusive subject, one that requires you to trace the steps that have lead you up to this point.
For this endeavor, I scratch the surface of my own memories in an attempt to find myself.

Sense of Self

Experiences shape us. They define the outline of our thoughts, our processes, the way we see the world and our place in it.

While Young (10-18 yo)

Who defines our value? We crave approval from society: our parents, school, teachers & friends.
Often, we adopt identities given to us. These include: “the student”, “good son”, “problematic kid”, so on and so forth. We can reflect characteristics that others have perceived us to have. A lot of times they don’t need to be defined verbally with a label, behaviors and our environment can contribute to a certain belief.
Up to ten years of age, I do not consider myself to have formed a coherent sense of self, so I won’t revisit them here, even though they definitely contain significant defining moments. Vague recollections only start at around three to four years of age; essentially will be leaving out seven years of experiences; however their echoes have most likely been imprinted later on in life.

Chapter 0: Blissfully Unaware

In my case, I adopted characteristics that were perceived positively by my surroundings. During my first, self-conscious, years on this earth, I was called to choose sides. I had to either please the cool kids in school or the grown ups. To be a good Christian or miserably fail trying.
I found my place, amongst the quiet kids. The well behaved, the ones that did not cause trouble. Aligned with order and authority, I valued the approval of grown ups. After all, they appeared to be composed, with unshakable beliefs, strong foundations and had predictable expectations. I found solace in predictability. Soon I realized that adults are only human too, with their own set of fears, hopes and dreams.

Growing up, shame and guilt were core values. So making myself small would historically draw less attention and involve me in fewer experiences that would expose me to negative feelings. I was perhaps slightly emotionally neglected as a child, my feelings and desires were not often validated. Had trouble socializing with other boys in elementary school and participating in physical activities, particularly sports. The former got better since junior high but the latter only got better recently. During this time I was deep in the closet and in denial of my sexuality. Nobody knew about it.

My parents tried their best to give me a good childhood, as best as they knew how and provided for me. I spent most of my teen years in school, friend’s houses and church. I was indoctrinated from a young age, attending a conservative church school on Sundays and very frequently going to Christian related celebrations and church service. It was mandatory to attend, had little choice in the matter. My parents were and still are religious, the Julian Calendar Orthodox Christians conservative kind. This amplified greatly the shame and guilt value system. So many restrictions, so many prohibitions, so easily broken, so easily a sinner.
Religion was a big part of my identity and still is. It’s a strong pillar to lean on. A support system so intertwined with my core, that spreads and affects multiple facets of life. Has been defining my behavior, mood and feelings for subjects in a way that is challenging to alter. Also, has been a source of despair, misery and self hatred.
On the flip side, in all the pain it brought, it would be unfair not to mention the positive as well. The most significant lessons religion has taught me is having faith, humility and being kind. Having faith that things will work out, no matter how hard they appear to be. Having faith that even though it seems like you are going through an impossible situation there is hope. Having faith that there is justice and a good god will take care of you. And of course: being the ultimate soother of death and loss.

All of these, mostly unfiltered, beliefs and experiences shaped my way of thinking. As if by osmosis I internalized them and made them part of my identity.

— A blissfully unaware, yet deeply troubled, gay child with internalized homophobia —

That went well…

Older (18-28 yo)

Once external forces were removed, the environmental pressures that made me hold my shape were no longer there. So I started deflating like a balloon left in the sun. I now had to define my own set of values and self worth, as if I was given the required tools and knowledge to do so.
Barely given any space to explore myself while young, now I had all the space in the world and I didn’t know what to do with it. I drowned in the vastness of possibility. Floating in constant doubt, because I never learned to trust myself. The lack of direction paralyzed me and the combination of a timid nature overwhelmed me.

Chapter 1: The calm before the Storm

Studying and living alone definitely marked a new era. First semester was challenging but I had not yet realized what had started shifting in me.
Thoughts began running rampant but I was keeping myself busy. Going to University in the morning and staying till eight to nine pm. I was qualified to eat for free at the campus restaurant due to my family’s low income. So this worked nicely, I attended my lectures, studied in the library and had at least lunch and dinner, sometimes breakfast too, all within campus.
Made my first University friends, with some of whom I still keep in touch. Most people were surrounded by strangers, so the need to connect and make new friends was common for most of us. Being separated from my six year friend group was not easy either. Living a nine hour ferry trip away from my home town meant I couldn’t visit often. I grew in the process and learned a few things about life and people. Like that you can not expect much from others. Interests not always align, or the time required for you to heal could take longer than others. Leaving you behind.
I had arrived at a new place with the delusion that I would find a single friend group, three to four people, that would cover all my needs and things would be almost exactly as with my friends in my home town. Well definitely not what happened. I was surprised to find that interests could not have been more different.
I had to adapt, learn to communicate in new ways, become more thick skinned. The people I met were direct and expressed themselves openly.

Chapter 2: Pandora’s Box opens - Addiction & Coping

Second semester comes along, and most of the dust settles. Apart from moving out to a new house, because the first one had insulation issues. The poison I had been consuming for the past 18 years started taking its toll. I was confused, in emotional distress. My identity was being challenged. A suppressed piece of me was trying to surface, trying to make itself known and heard. It was too much to deal with. I started numbing. Would not go to sleep unless I was practically passed out from exhaustion while looking at my mobile screen. During the day I would not go out much, I spent my time online. Either watching streams on twitch or playing MMO RPGs. I built a life online. A virtual life I wish I had in the real world. Had cyber friends I created a guild with and an in game character that I cared about progressing. Friendship, character development, everything replaced by its online counterpart. Amidst the sea of struggles, online was actually my saving grace. The light in the dark. So it served a transitional purpose now that I am looking back at it.
Of course this was the same time that I started skipping and failing courses. House would be a mess, I was ashamed to invite anyone and would refuse people to come in my apartment, even when they offered to help. It was my lair of despair, I didn’t want others to witness it. I had also started smoking rolled cigarettes. This is where nicotine addiction began. In the list of addictions, there was also porn and masturbation. All damaging, maladaptive forms of emotional regulation and coping mechanisms, aiming to extract some dopamine.
There were people, particularly one person, we would spend a lot of time discussing about the resentment and repressed feelings we’ve build up from our families. This was probably my first form of therapy, we continued having chats with this person until it came time to graduate. Which I did appreciate and treasure.

Chapter 3: Road to healing & Regressions

Fourth semester approaches and we decide with my close friend group to stay together to reduce rental costs. I had shared that I am gay with them and they were cool with it. I was ecstatic to stay with friends. Probably one of the most tiring but simultaneously fun experiences. Had no internet the first days and we were living in a common space until we were situated in our rooms, so we spent what I would call quality time together. I longed for this type of connection with others.
Around this time my friends convinced me to start University counseling, which basically was psychotherapy but sped up. Was extremely hard to open up to a stranger and I often didn’t want to go to sessions. My “problem” appeared to be enormous. An unmovable mountain. I struggled with myself a lot. I went through various stages of: disbelief, anger, self pity, shame, guilt, deep sadness and dissociation. Hard to accept yourself when the natural norm, religion and social circle reject an important part of you. Hell, was hard to accept this was happening to me to begin with. I used to pray for god to take the gay away but that never really happened. I found refuge in faith but it started feeling misguided, felt hurt and betrayed. Why would I be made wrong, just to suffer?
Visiting home for holidays was also detrimental to my mental health. All the religious background was aggressively being pushed on me again, as I was trying to distance myself, the little acceptance I had managed to gain seemed to be getting stripped away. There were specific encounters that stigmatized and hurt me but perhaps will get into them another time.
On top of everything, I started developing romantic feelings for my straight roommate. A rollercoaster of emotions ensued. Falling in love with the person you think someone is, what a perfect mind trap. They were great, don’t get me wrong but I idolized them and put them on a pedestal. I was trying to fix someone that didn’t ask to be fixed, believing it was unconditional love, only to later realize I did it because it was too difficult to fix myself. So I fabricated a one sided relationship, that of course was not reciprocated, gave a lot in the hopes that they might do the same for me. If I fix them they maybe can fix me back. I learned a lot through this as well, reflections and discussions with my other roommate helped significantly. It took the better part of a year to get over this crush but eventually managed to move on.

Into my last years of Uni, I pulled myself together with the little acceptance I had managed to attain.
I pursued more creative ways to express myself, formed a band with other campus students and started playing music together. Also wrote music during this period for me and my friends. It was a great outlet for me.
I started an internship which led to a part time job for the last two years of my studies. This helped greatly as I could contribute to rent and have money to buy food.
One person stood out among the last friendships I managed to make while studying. We clicked pretty quick. I could truly be myself around her and felt accepted in my entirety. Then covid hit. My last Uni years were stolen from me by a virus. Then again people lost way more because of it. Remote lessons, remote exams and limited social interactions. Things started falling apart. Last semester we had moved out from the house we were renting with my roommates due to the house having issues again, this marks the fourth house while studying. On top of that, my most recent friendship was fractured. She had gotten in a relationship with one of the roommates —not the one I had a crush one— and they broke up in very bad terms. I was torn; not the first time I’ve been collateral damage in a friendship triangle. We barely keep in touch anymore with either of them.

Chapter 4: Recession and professional advances

I continued to work full time in the same company I did my internship in after graduating for about a year. After that I started looking for another job because I wasn’t fulfilled professionally from that position anymore. I now am nearing 3 years in the role I found since then. I can say its much more tiring but also fulfilling and has a ton of opportunities.
Initially I hyper focused on work. Was the only thing that appeared to matter. I let myself go in the process and gained weight, started smoking again while I had stopped for about a year. On the flip side, the workaholism paid off, as I managed to get a promotion and I now find myself quite financially comfortable.

Chapter 5: Today

I’ve been trying to balance work-life more lately. Stopped smoking with occasional social smoking and lost a bunch of weight.
Been consistently working out in a HIIT group gym for the past year. A better nutrition and self care has grown my confidence. Showed me that I am not afraid to go through hardship and make the difficult choices to obtain what I need and want. I try to maintain my creative outlets, primarily music, and have stayed in touch with my pre-university friend group, to whom I’ve come out and they accept me. I’ve also started therapy, this September 2025 I will be completing a year. Feels like I am slowly starting to understand myself a bit better but there is a long way to go.

Today I find myself somewhere in the middle. This has often been the case. Finding a middle ground has proven to be a reliable solution. It has perhaps been the only way to maintain a balance of my fragile identity. A half measure, to keep my sanity while not hurting anyone in my social circle and family. A half measure that might be hurting me more than I care to admit.

Looking Forward: The little deaths that lead to growth

Who did I leave behind? Definitely a more naive version of me, however along with it might have left behind a more open and trusting self. A self that believed in wonder. Maybe its because of all the filtering I do in social occasions with people that don’t know about me. It has tired me, constantly masking and hiding has become second nature; a personality trait of being hyper aware and hesitant to be expressive. This constant battle for acceptance is eating away at me, sucking out my energy.
I wish I could be authentic myself without having to think about it. I wish the world was not such a hostile place.
Feels like my parents and family don’t even really know me. Not sure if they ever fully did. But I guess it doesn’t matter much now. I shouldn’t depend on their approval anymore for the things I do or for how I want to live my life.

Regrets and closing thoughts

Looking back, I regret a couple of things. I wish I had been able to explore my sexuality earlier on. I feel way left behind now. Then again I was not ready to explore it back then. Romantic relationships feel like something my life is missing. Almost everyone I know is in one and I have not even been able to make gay friends. I might be looking for meaning in them, or simply trying to explore what life has to offer as I’ve not allowed myself to do that up to now.
I am afraid to be hurt or to hurt others. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid of who I might become. Simultaneously I do yearn to be someone else, someone who is free. Who does not care to be judged because of their sexuality. Because of the way they were born.