Is it wrong that I don’t even wanna visit my mom because of my brother?

Hi everyone,

I’ve been carrying these feelings for a long time and I feel like this is the only place I can be honest. My brother (22) is autistic and nonverbal, and can get very aggressive at times. Ever since he was born when I was 3yo, my whole childhood basically ended. My mom gave all of her time, energy, and attention to him, and I grew up feeling invisible. On top of that, I experienced both physical and emotional abuse from her, while watching her struggle with her own mental health. She often put her ex boyfriend before me too, and let him abuse me too.

Now as an adult, the same patterns continue. My mom wants me to visit her in my home country, but when I say I want time alone with her, she suggests that my husband stay behind to watch my brother so we can go shopping. I don’t feel comfortable with that. She also refuses to use respite care or group home services (even though they exist), because she says she “has peace” when she sticks to the routine with him and also that he doesn’t like being around people “like him”…

The truth is, I don’t want my husband dragged into this, it’s not his job to be a caretaker for my brother. And honestly, I really struggle to be around my brother at all. I feel a lot of resentment, and hate all the limitations that his presence brings. It seems so pointless for me to have to travel to another country just to not get any quality time with my mother and only get flustered.

I feel stuck. If I go visit, it feels like a waste of money and energy just to be there and get flustered with his behavior. If I don’t go, I feel guilty. I want a mother-daughter relationship, but it seems impossible because everything is always about him, and my mom refuses to change.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you set boundaries or even begin to have this conversation. I don’t know how to talk to her about this.