I wish I could go to another planet

I really hope aliens come to earth. I get really excited over the ideas of the multiverse and alien life, because there has to be somewhere or something that wants to be my friend. I hope they hurry. My longest friend who I thought was my best friend doesn’t really talk to me anymore. Only for a little bit every few days. He has a better best friend now, I don’t blame anyone it just makes me sad. I try my best. It’s never enough. My heart hurts so much. For as long as I can remember, I’m always the one who never belongs. I remember constantly being the weird one. It feels like there’s something so inherently different about my brain that will never allow me to connect with anyone in the way everyone else does with each other. I don’t know if it’s selfish, but I just wish someone cared. I hate myself, it’s my own fault. I have autism and it’s so hard to talk about stuff that isn’t my special interest. I am mentally younger, I don’t understand how to start conversations, I’m so scared of accedentally saying the wrong thing and it’s so overwhelming to even know what to say. Why should I even try when for years, no matter how hard I try and no matter if I be myself or not I’m always on my own.

People say I’ll find my people, but how am I supposed to do that when I feel like I’m from another planet. How do I do that when for so long I’ve felt like no matter where I go, there’s something in my brain that prevents me from ever belonging anywhere. People say just put yourself out there, and it’s so hard but I try and I’m still so alone. I’m so convinced I’m from another reality because it could explain why I never belong. I daydream about being from another planet. I just want to go home. I daydream about an alien ship coming to earth, and these friendly aliens come to find me and take me to their planet. I tell them about my special interest and playing games, and they show me their planet. I also daydream about being on some secret mission from another alien planet where I need to observe humans.

I don’t think anything is ever going to get better unless I go to another planet or reality. I’m just being realistic. I could make friends as a kid, until I was around 11. It got harder, I was bullied. When I finally made friends and thought I belonged, I was called annoying and felt left out. Nothing lasts. I feel like I annoy everyone and ruin everything. I feel like there’s too much wrong with me to be in this reality. I’m just not made for this planet. My brain is wrong.