How do you heal when you're numb? Stuck in dissociation & doubt despite years of therapy

I'm hoping to get some advice or hear from others with similar experiences. For most of my adult life, I've been dealing with a deep sense of dissociation and emotional numbness. I generally feel "flat," without major highs or lows, but I know there's a strong undercurrent of depression and anxiety underneath.

​I suspect this is rooted in childhood sexual abuse, but my memories are very fragmented and i have several partial memories of inappropriate behaviour. This creates a huge amount of self-doubt about what actually happened, which feels like it sabotages any progress I make.

When I actively try to push through the numbness to connect with my feelings, I get intense physical symptoms like head pressure, headaches, and severe brain fog. It feels like my body is slamming on the brakes. I spend a lot of time staying distracted, because it is painful to sit quietly.

When I think about the potential assaults, I don't feel sadness or anger—I just feel numb and disconnected, which I attribute to not remembering the events clearly.

​I've done CBT and have been in ISTDP therapy for over 2 years. I've done lots of reading and learning and intellectually understand the concepts of mourning losses, re-parenting, and processing trauma. I feel like I'm perpetually stuck in the "insight" phase—I have a lot of knowledge, but I can't seem to apply it because of the profound numbness and doubt.

How did you learn to grieve or mourn when you couldn't access the core emotions like sadness or anger? How did you navigate the questioning that comes from not having a clear memory?

​I'm looking for any tools, resources, or perspectives that helped you move from just understanding your trauma to actually processing it, especially when your body and mind seem so resistant.