ADHD is ripping us apart - Is our marriage beyond saving?

ADHD is ripping us apart. My wife came home from a work trip, and I had little energy to clean before she arrived.

The evening was great. We talked about frustrations at her work and watched funny animal videos with our daughter to wind down. In a blink of an all changed when I tried to take a picture of my daughter and dog on the floor, knocked over a can of beer (alcohol-free), and spilled it on the sofa. That was the spark for a breakdown. My wife started yelling at our daughter that it was late and she had to brush her teeth, then yelled at me about the mess. I was frustrated and annoyed because of the mess I made and with her, since she's been unable to do much housework lately and I've felt like I'm taking on more responsibility. I’m not asking her to do all the housework, just more than doomscrolling on the couch. A 50-50 split would be ideal, but even 33-66 would help. So in that mindset I thought that she was being unreasonable and unfair.

Her yelling and habit of throwing things triggered me, reminding me of my unsafe childhood. I lost control and yelled loudly back at her. When I glanced at my daughter, I saw myself as a kid and felt pity for her, hate towards my wife, and disappointment in myself.

The yelling escalated. I threw my ring; she used that against me. My blood was boiling. We exchanged hurtful words and I called her names. We’ve never had physical violence, but these episodes happen too often and it’s exhausting.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve studied it a lot, and now my wife is also in the middle of her diagnosis. We're both in CBT individually and starting to recognize at least some patterns.

Emotional rollercoaster is starting to take a real toll. I’ve been demonized for my yelling, and I demonize myself for it. ADHD meds and CBT have given me some hope. Our relationship has always been difficult emotionally. Can we solve this? We've done so much to make things work. She's a beautiful soul and I love her after all. But.