I hate being perceived.

I was on the phone with one of my friends. I was venting and revealed deep insecurities of mine. I regret it and feel embarrassed. I keep thinking that they see me that way now and there’s no going back.

I shared how I was envious of someone’s accomplishments and now I’m thinking it made me sound ridiculous. The person I’m envious of was the leader of a clique in my college class and I was excluded from the group. It hurt and made me wonder if something was wrong with me. A classmate even noticed me being ostracized. I just wanted to be friends which I would genuinely support them. They would treat me differently than others. I thought it was because I’m autistic or dress a bit differently than them or just socially awkward.

I feel a lot of FOMO. I feel left out.

My friend mentioned how I think people always dislike me but they probably actually don’t. Now, I’m worried I’m perceived as someone who cares too much what everyone thinks about me and I’m overthinking. I’ve been practicing not worrying what others think and now I feel like a failure.

I needed someone to talk to. I also said how I didn’t want to feel envious of this person and that I get triggered honestly. I don’t want to be triggered by this but it means that I want something they have. I really wanted to make a film but don’t have much support like they do.

I feel like my friend thinks less of me now. I ended up over sharing and saying awkward dumb nonsense. I feel annoying and toxic.

It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable but I appreciate and admire vulnerability. I wish I felt comfortable being vulnerable.

I can’t relax right now and just feel icky. I feel like a bad person.

I feel like I came off negatively and that’s how I’m viewed now.

How to be okay with being perceived?