Help bruv

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have been cutting for 7 months now and I have no idea why. I like the look of the scars and I kind of like the pain but I hate that I feel that way. I don’t understand why I feel so much shame for it. I often feel like it’s not “real self harming” if it’s not that deep or the scars don’t look big. Sometimes when I make a mistake in front of people or do something to do with socialising I’ll find myself about to start scratching myself with my nails like it’s an instinct. I want people to see the scars so I can actually get help, yet I don’t want to seem like an attention seeker. Sometimes I’ll be having a really good day and in the middle of the night I’ll just get all these random thoughts and they get darker and darker and I cut. I’m scared of getting infected or going too deep but not because of my health but because I’m scared of my parents finding out, as my older sibling used to self harm for attention. I don’t feel like I can cry anymore to the point where I am googling ways to let it all out and it won’t work. I don’t want to be numb. I can’t let myself feel that way, it’s not good for me. Sorry if anyone thinks I’m weird and stuff or attention seeking I’m really sorry I just needed something to talk to even if it’s just an online platform I’m sorry fuck.