Grief at a young age

Hello everybody. I just wanted to share my story, hear your thoughts, opinions and maybe some tips or something like that if you have any. I am 17, and i had a boyfriend. He was 16, and his birthday was coming up really soon, i was already preparing his gift. We were friends for a little over a month when we started dating. I never met such an person in my life. Understanding, optimistic, positive, helpful, comforting, with such an amazing mindset overall. He tried to do as much as he could. He was the best student. He went to every event, function, competition. He loved basketball, working out, cooking, reading, spending time with his friends and family. My boyfriend was the most active person i have ever met. He never wasted a day in his life. He just kept improving every single day. I was so amazed by him. I did not understand what i have done to deserve someone like him in my life. We clicked so instantly and so easily, it was like a fairytale. All of it was so natural, we understood each other so well, we did not have a single argument or anything like that, because we always made sure to communicate. We had similar morals, goals. Everything was just perfect. One day, i was sitting in my room, getting ready to go to bed. I was sending him a voice message, telling him about my day. He wasn’t active for about 3 hours, but i knew that he was hanging out with his friends. He told me before that they would go play volleyball, go swimming and things like that. So i didn’t think too much of it. I thought that maybe his phone was low on battery, or that the internet connection was bad there. Anyways, i look up if i have any notifications. I notice, that his friend has texted me. I opened the message, and my hands started shaking immediately. He was telling me that my boyfriend has drowned. That he was under the water for about an hour before the ambulance got there. That he is so sorry to give me such bad news. It felt as if my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I did not believe him. I thought that he was such an asshole for pranking me with such things. I called my friend, my voice shaky. I told her everything, and she did not believe it either. She told me to text his mom and ask about it, because she wouldn’t joke about a thing like that, right? So i searched her up on facebook and went to messages. I found a missed call from her and a message. “We lost him”. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. We. Lost. Him. I wanted the earth to swallow me. I immediately started crying, a lump in my throat. “It’s real” i whispered to my friend, who was still on the call. And then i hung up. I could not speak anymore. I cried just a bit, because i was so shocked. My mom came into my room a bit later and found me in tears on my bed. I told her what has happened. She teared up as well, offered me a hug, which i declined. I told her to go to her room and let me be. She told my older sister about this. No one slept that night. The next day i got the information about his funeral and all that stuff. I could barely function for a good period of time after this. We drove for 4 hours to get to the place where we could say our final goodbyes to him. It was the first time i got to meet his family. His dad, mom, and a younger sister. I saw his urn, the pictures, the white flowers and candles everywhere. Everyone cried, except me. I didn’t shed a tear, and i felt crazy for that. I drank an anti-anxiety pill before arriving there. I hate crying in front of other people. Seeing his loved ones so crushed altered my brain chemistry to say the least. I hugged them all, said my condolences. His mom was going on about how happy he was to be with me. I felt a lump in my throat form. We sat there for about an hour before leaving. We hugged them once again, and i heard his mom tell my parents to “protect your little girl”. That was absolutely heartbreaking. It was nobody’s fault. It was not his parent’s fault. It was not the fault of the friend who tried to save him. It just happened. I tried to stay out of my house everyday, keep myself occupied. I told my other friends about this and they were shocked. At a loss of words. A natural response for news like that. No one knew what to say, or how to comfort me. I tried a therapist, but i went to a couple appointments and dropped it. I just didn’t feel like it was working. We are still in touch with his mom. We check up on each other from time to time. It’s been a little over 2 months since he passed away. And it’s still as hard and heavy. I did not think that i would have to endure something like this at such a young age. I bet he didn’t either. I am scared. I cannot imagine my future without him. I am disgusted by even the idea of another relationship. I have no idea how all of this will play out in the long run for me, but i sure as hell lost all of the hope that i had. I lost the hope to have something good for once. To have a comfortable and promising future. I lost the joy in everything. Everyday is a battle. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for rotting in my bed, barely doing anything. Sulking in my emotions, not having any motivation to improve or do the things i used to do. The simplest tasks became the hard ones. I am lost. Hopeless. I try to comfort myself by talking to him everyday before going to sleep. Wearing the bracelet he gifted me when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Pretending like he is with me every step of the way. Thats my daily life right now. Just trying to move forward somehow. Trying to make him proud of me. Trying my best to not waste my days, because he didn’t.