The sum

Dear church, I guess I never really fit in with your veiw, I never prayed the way you do, I did not see God how you teach, besides your words are so twisted to the book you hold, more than the words in that very book, I couldn't trust anyone's veiw of God.

Your veiw of me from how I preach, made me genuinely believe I was not a child of God. Your view was so different to mine, I lived as if I did not believe in God, yet I prayed almost every night, in my own way. I embodied my belief when I spoke to God, rather than asking him to do it for me.

You took me as a rebellious, dangerous individual, when my peers who you so favored, followed you in disbelief too, their actions have tempered with the unease you cause when they would act in their own veiw.

Any veiw outside yours would be taken as heretic i suppose. And your circle is filled with those too numb and too in fear the be themselves. Because I was free to speak how I felt, and knew the contradictions between the word and the act, I was kicked out of your circle.

I believe in disorder, it is the only way can truly know someone when they are free to act without your veil of belief. But I do also belief there can be a sort of order in disorder, and order without "orders", none of us need to be governed to be a decent human being. None of us need to be under authority to understand between right and wrong.

Your actions in fear ended up being the larger reason of of my unique veiw, and the catalyst to my actions.

So behind a deep dose of fuck you, I guess there's a lot to thank for. But don't take it wrong I'm not saying any of your actions are justified.

Finished the Bible, Started reading the Kabballah, resonated pretty well with the Sirr al-Asrar, read translated versions of Tibetan scrolls, read the emerald tablets, the tetrabiblos and other astrological works including more modern ones, explored many other doctrines before coming to a conclusion, all I learnt is I can't learn about God from others the way He teaches and speaks to me personally.

And I'll be honest, I've never seen a soul express love the way I know it, only broken pieces spread out thin into the numerous faces I've encountered. But I guess that makes sense, the vastness of such an energy would take more than a lifetime to truly express let alone to comprehend, my very own understanding of it keeps growing like the ever lasting tree of life.

Dear school,

I'd agree that I wasn't the easiest student, or the most self productive. Many of you teachers would mark me as an underachiever. Even though I didn't see anyone else's engineering projects held up as display, or anyone else's art not returned to the student, nor remember you being taught by another student that sparks your interest to teach about what you learnt to the class the next day. I guess I understand now what an underachiever can be.

I agree I could have put far more effort in some of the fields I had no interest in. And if I stayed in school until the end I'd probably be successful in any field I would choose.

Many of you teachers handled me differently to other students, setting me aside from the rest, allowing me to shift the curriculum as I saw nesescary. I guess you had confidence I knew better for myself than what you would.

I ditched compulsory sport, even when you expected me to be in the first team for any sort.

Honestly I guess having so many options, having everything set out for me, made it feel trivial.

I apologize for the effort you put in, and for me to throw it all away in a sense.

Dear friends, close friends and distant friends, new friends, old friends, and future friends,

I'll be honest with you, I'm likely never going to settle down and stay stagnant, my personal identity would likely be every changing, and there would be or has been a day where we would part.

I'll never say that any of you weren't good enough for me, if anything it would be the opposite, though when the day does come, I can't choose otherwise because I would be negating my own progress of becoming whatever I can.

Many of you, all of my close friends saw what I'm capable of even when I couldn't see it myself, now the day has come when I do see it, and I would have to distance myself from all, including you, so I can regain my focus for all my aspirations.

Don't take the distance I create between us as a mark of how I don't appreciate you, because that's not true. To my old friends and close friends, I appreciate the time we had, the years we spent, the growth we went through.

To ignore this feeling that I'm stuck in a mental loop is self destructive. In a way I feel and hope, the time we have apart would show you I may have contributed to this being like it for you too.

To the stars, I guess there's very little I can say to you, except thank you for being a sort of map for me to see how I was made. And to spark interest in deeper forms of understanding beyond what could be tangible. All I can really do is reflect on what you show me.

Let's see, heres of what I could pull from a website to make certain points quicker to reach...

Birth date 05-05-2002

A really extreme map I'd say that lines up mostly in the ascendant, where makes it really difficult to hide any eccentric behavior.

Murcury in conjunct with Venus, Mars Saturn, North Node, in ascendant Gemini

Murcury, Venus, Mars, Saturn in opposition with Pluto

Moon in conjunct with Uranus in Aquarius,

Quick witted, somewhat scattered, with eclectic interests-

Will try to win over the object of their affection with witty conversation, displaying just how much they "know," and demonstrating their diverse interests.- well, this made me want to hide my face in a room with nobody in it

He may have felt ashamed or off for being needy, compassionate, or wishy-washy, or for his spiritual side, and this person can feel uncomfortable or annoyed with people who resist labels, who are not very assertive or ready to take the lead. Denying these very human traits in himself can lead to extreme behaviors. - This is true, I usually end up apologizing for any watery emotions many times I'm annoyed by needing to take the initiative for other's aspirations whom I feel are best suited for it. People with rare talent that cant seem to trust themselves well enough to go through, and seems like an incredibly stupid barrier they hold.

These sometimes maddeningly unpredictable people are nevertheless quite charming.-

I guess that's true, I never struggled fitting in with others, or ending up close to the girl I had a sight for. Even though I genuinely was the weird kid who shouldn't be able to fit in.

But that's because I can change myself, tailor your experience the way I can see you crave, maybe even better than some people's Ai friend.

Many people open up to me, trust me, because I'm the one who they relate to best, not realizing every one else, no matter how different from them, feels the same about me.

So I end up with the responsibility of handling other's identity, even though I struggle with my own.

Key traits: He is fundamentally optimistic and wanting to do good things (or the right thing).-

I guess that's true, but only when my mind is clear. Otherwise I'd be stuck in the character I became in the presence of others

May be somewhat self-conscious, avoiding small talk. May find making lighthearted acquaintances superficial. Can possess a serious mind, sometimes wishing to be more free and breezy.

often will deny the more irrational qualities of emotions--such as jealousy, possessiveness, and fear--in an effort to be "above" what they consider pettiness. When this goes too far, Lunar Aquarians can be emotionally blocked, distant, and detached. - Hahaha I think it's time for a new hobby.

You just told me everything I didn't want to read, maybe I'll talk about Tarot instead.

So I inherited you from my mother's side, three or four decks just about.

I won't lie, these are fascinating practices, where it teaches you the truth through symbolism much like astrology, though a bit more capable of teachings using intuition "on demand" it seems.

Much like astrology also, it shows the outside world is indeed a reflection of your own internal space.

And am an advocate due to the phenomal experiences of how these cards can resonate with any specific question or moment that could arise. Many seem to have a disbelief in these practices because they see symbolism as purposely vague to answer any problem, but lack the understanding that symbolism is a tool of reflection, showing you that the answers were held by the inquirer before the question even arises.

Though like I said, you show me the problems I have in life whether internal or external, based of the factors of my being. I'll admit you did help me navigate many of my obsticles, but I guess I quickly out grew it, since I realized how intuition truly works, symbolism from cards now seem unnecessary, just like trying to find answers of your own being through any doctrine, their active symbolism is just less visual and more conceptual than yours. And I guess as you said we're both mirrors, inside and out, so it doesn't matter where I choose to look the answer is there, hidden, like the secret of secrets. Every perception that can placed onto you can only be read by you, in the way that you need to learn. There's no other way to percieve anything.

So here I am, searching for answers again just to find a mirror wherever I look.

Dear parents,

I know you love me, even when I don't see it sometimes, I do love you, even though I don't show it how I should most of the time.

There's plenty of tension between us from my childhood straight through to now. And I couldn't find myself to open up to either of you up until a few days before our last goodbye. I'll admit there's plenty of problems between us, and made it difficult for me to appreciate the both of you the way I should.

Now that I opened myself up to the both of you, you probably realize I'm not the person you thought I was.

Dad, I'll admit, I held onto how you treated my family as an excuse to exclude you from my love.

Thinking back on those moments, I don't know if it could ever be accepted. I did not appreciate having my mother's blood smeared on me as you told me I should ensure she doesn't bleed to death. I did not appreciate it either when you threatened to do the same to me growing up. I always questioned why someone like you should ever be accepted in anyone's life.

But in the later years, I heard stories from other members on how you were brought up. I heard how you were further abused later in life in the army, and how they took advantage from someone like you.

Honestly, you made a great change in your character. Even with the mistakes you made while I was growing up. I feel I would've made worse mistakes than you did if I were in your shoes. I already struggle the way I am, and wouldn't want to imagine how I would be if things went differently the way it did with you.

You are deserving of love, I'm not ashamed to say I feel you're more deserving of love than I am. You deserve peace.

Mom, you truly showed me that there's love beyond the stars.

I'm sorry my actions and words made you feel like I craved disconnection. I want you to know, I truly can't imagine a happy life without you.

You've always been there for me, even when I sought isolation. I don't think I could ever let you go in my heart. You're truly special, more than what I could imagine.

To both of you, my quest to build my life alone isn't one out of spite. I'm no longer held hostage by what haunts me, I feared myself, what I would do to others, I was afraid what I would become if I let myself go. I feared having my own family. I'd shortly after getting close with someone, have my mind flooded by things that no longer define me. I was afraid of what I inherited, and what I would pass on. So never truly lived my life.