50F Lent My Ex 60M Thousands, Moved Out After 6 Weeks of Red Flags — How Do I Get My Money

Background. Asians tend to look young. Me 50F returned to college. Owned a small business for 12 years, pandemic ended that—decided to get my degree and I moved on-campus with my two small children.

4.0 GPA two semesters in a row upon returning. Met another student 60M and he expressed interest in dating. We had known one another for a year, talking in passing, had one class together, talked occasionally but there was no fluttering on my part or his. He lived close to the campus in a 7000 sq ft home with a pool.

I have been previously married but have no experience dating men of my culture. My family was excited that he was and were really encouraging that I go for it. I reasoned we’d have great conversations because of a mutual value for education. At our age and maturity, I assumed we’d skip ahead to building businesses and navigate the professional realm as a couple. He had an organization and a business, and I loved the idea of working with someone because being “the boss” alone was isolating.

He said he was lonely in his big house and invite my kids and I to move in. He practically begged me to “come home.” He said, “Make it a home, add your touch, you can do whatever you want.”

I am a professional organizer and home decorator. The home had tons of potential but I had no time with my studies, kids, and internship/ job to take on a house project aside from clearing, cleaning and setting up rooms for my kids. His ex-family left what amounted to over 40 large bags of clothes, toys, and trinkets in drawers, closets, and under the beds—I hauled most to the local charity but left half a dozen bags of bedding/linens to be washed and used. The rooms were dusty, with an inch of dust clumped on the ceiling fan blades. My oldest has allergies, so I cleaned the kids rooms from ceiling to floor, including the wooden blinds.

I also cleared the 2-car garage, which could only fit one car due to all the clutter, I simply put stuff on the shelves or in cabinets and off the garage floor.

I discussed with him, making a studio space for me to work—design and study. We decided on the upstairs loft area, which he had setup for a poker room.

I cook from scratch, and cooked daily. Naturally, I cleaned up after I cooked. He had been eating out regularly and was not accustomed to eating home cooked meals, his ex wife of 7 years “never cooked and never cleaned.” No big deal, obviously he didn’t value those qualities since he remained with her. I love cooking and I value quality food and ingredients.

Week one was fine, we got settled in. He then started revealing things about himself—he had been hiding the fact that he smokes, and misrepresented the fact that he drinks, probably too much. Neither smoking or drinking are deal breakers for me—I don’t do either for health reasons but wish I could because I am an alcohol connoisseur.

As the weeks progressed he began to attack my character, mainly by comparing me to his ex in a negative way. He also said some really mean and horrible things, that rolled off my back like water on a duck because it couldn’t have had anything to do with me. He was really upset with his ex, but she seemed to be true to who she was from day one, according to his accounts, and he said, he thought he could change her. But I was nothing like her, so the comparisons didn’t make any sense.

He would say things like “you always do….” something and I countered, we haven’t lived together for more than 20 days, you can’t say I always do anything. I kept insisting he take the time to get to know me. But since we are of the same culture, he assumed he knew me—that I was just like all the women in his life. He would say, “all women are the same.” If that’s true why expect something better or different? I countered that I have been married more than once and have a long dating history, no two men are the same because individuality is a real thing. Also, none of my ex would say anything negative about me—I still talk to them and consider them great friends.

After six weeks of his starting arguments, accusing me of doing things, such as “you’re changing everything in my house,” when I had not changed anything beyond what I had mentioned. Even pictures of his ex wife were still hanging up and him yelling, “this is my house,” when upset which made me feel unwelcome and an annoyance. I decided to move back to the college campus. I realized my mistake was moving in—so I moved out. On Sunday, after four hours of vomiting horrible things about me and accusing me of basically making his life horrible—and refused to give examples of anything specific I may have done—I decided, this was too much like gaslighting, very immature, and a waste of my time.

He got aggressive, “you’re not going anywhere.” I quickly and secretly packed and took my things to storage whenever he left. Monday, I told him I was moving out—Thursday my kids and I were in our own apartment.

Wednesday night, he came in drunk. I was sleeping in my youngest room, who has night terrors, it was after midnight (early morning Wednesday). He was begging me to stay, I insist that he needs someone who shares his values. He said he was going to establish trust funds for my kids, again I told him find someone who values that. He says, “you don’t want trusts for your kids” and I replied that I didn’t want anything with him.

He gradually got angry, started yelling and repeating—you got to get your sh-junk-t out of here. You better be gone by Saturday.

He then slammed the door and said, “I can do that, it’s my house.” I immediately got up and started dismantling my little one’s bed, packed up the remainder of their toys and things. I usually was up at 6 making breakfast and school lunches. I did that at 4 a.m., because at 6 I was going to be packing the last of our things and would never return. The only things left would be things I could easily replace including all the groceries, jars of grains, and spices I brought with me.

Now, we had talked about business and I had an understanding of some of the challenges he had—specifically cash flow. I had received a scholarship for several thousand because of my perfect GPA. He had been talking about and stressing because he was waiting for 20K check to arrive and some other funding that was delayed. I gave him $2500, and he said “you’ll get it back.” No problem.

Wednesday, from work I text and ask when I’d get the money back. He replies, he never said he’d give it back but rather that as a woman with children, I’d get that and so much more back. Implying, if I stayed with him.

He did sell this the-future-will-be-financially-great for us idea but specifically, when I handed him the check—which was initially 1500, and he said he actually needs 2500, with the guarantee “You’ll get it back.”

Earlier in the evening, before the drunk door slamming incident, we talked and he said repeatedly—money is not an issue. That he’s not upset with me, that we needed to work it out. I brought up the money, he says he’s not going to have another woman take advantage of him because he’s a giver and people think that’s weakness.

So, now he is saying—I lived there for “free” and the money is to cover the water bill, him gassing up his cars, letting me use his vehicles, and the one night vacation I planned with my kids, which he came along and paid for things that were out of my budget. Including a huge seafood platter, my kids and I don’t eat fried seafood platters and I said that I wasn’t hungry—he bought it anyway, saying it was for us. I didn’t touch it.

Now, I bought all the groceries and cooked, at $20/ meal at just 1 meal a day for six weeks is $840 and I cook multiple meals a day. I cleaned extensively, and he received no less than 10 hours of massages, which comes to over $1000. So, we both gave to the idea of the relationship and being together.

He never mention paying rent, when he invited me to move in, he is now claiming I was trying to take advantage of an “old man” and that he saw through my scheme, that I am deceitful, and he also destroyed a piece of my furniture and I left his house better than how I found it. He claims, his female friends are all telling him that I had ulterior motives. He is saying I tried to take advantage of him, and saying I lived there for free, claiming he’s a victim.

Now he’s very active and well known, he introduced me to local officials and he hosts many events; he’s popular and presents as an outstanding and successful citizen. Early on, I suggested couples therapy, because of his argumentative nature and also his tendency to bring up and make everything about his ex-wife.

So what kind of man takes money from a single mother with small children? He says I should not have left him and it’s my fault, that we’re not together. What’s really going on here—I saw the early signs of an emotional abusive and psychologically controlling relationship but what should I do to get my money back?