I used to enjoy sex but now I hate it.

This is such a huge struggle in my life and the problem is I think I know why I feel this way. I’ve always had rocky experiences with sex (won’t go into detail, but I was molested as a child, raped at 14, and strongly coerced/forced on two different occasions). I still was always a pretty sexual person at least by myself likely due to trauma. I’m now 20 and my boyfriend is 21. We’ve been together over 3 years now, we live together, and we have 4 pets so it’s obviously long term. Pretty much every time I’ve had sex in some way it’s been traumatic, even if it was good with the person at first. In my current relationship, we started off so good and he wanted to take it slow but when we had sex it was good. I felt a sex drive, honestly I used to be pretty kinky even if we didn’t get into all of that I’d explored these things in some way before and I used to masturbate pretty regularly, as a younger teen honestly multiple times a day. Eventually I began to feel a lot of anxiety because it seemed like we’d only have sex every time I came over (before we lived together), and it caused some fights pretty much the only fights we ever had bc he’d say that’s not how he felt but then we’d continue to only have sex and do nothing else. We’d essentially do it and I’d leave after and eventually I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. We actually broke up once for this, he broke up with me because it escalated to the point I didn’t want to go over there at all. Eventually it was all good and we got back together after a short time but I still kept this anxiety in the back of my head. Things went on and then we were fighting because again I felt used for my money and my body. We ended up breaking up again this time because I ended it and it lasted a week before we were together again. I kept trying to explain how I felt in this time and he’d say okay but then we still would only have sex or any time he’d try to initiate I’d just have to say no. Basically if I tried to be too intimate in a nonsexual way with him around this time it would instantly mean I want to have sex in his mind. We eventually “made up” over this stuff which was all pretty much in the same year and a half, and things were okay Id just try not to do anything to turn him on. Then we began fighting because all he’d do if we hadn’t had sex in a week or so was fucking talk about it CONSTANTLY. Jokes, innuendos, random comments, legitimately all of his vocabulary became about sex and he still does this somewhat to this day. Naturally I’m telling him please stop etc. Since we got together he’d always been very touchy but then it was like all he would do is joke and the only intimacy he’d provide is groping me all the fucking timeeeeeee. So I had an issue with that too like can you please stop touching me only on my breasts or ass like touch me like a normal fucking person please. Naturally though, every time he’s loving on me and touching any other part of my body it’s biting or tickling or pinching or spanking or licking. Eventually I developed a straight up aversion to saliva. I’ve never liked it much, I used to have very bad (real, diagnosed) OCD and that shit just started triggering tf out of me like holy shit KEEP YOUR FUCKING SPIT TO YOURSELF I HATE IT. When we moved in together this was exacerbated but we started having sex at least once a week, maybe even more. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot but at the start of our relationship all we did was have sex trust me. And the thing is, at the beginning I think my trauma was triggering me, but now it’s like he’s given me more trauma. I feel so unheard so I don’t even bring it up even though it’s causing a divide. I know people say foreplay starts the second you wake up and clearly he’s never heard this. He thinks lighting a candle turns me on or something, or just randomly making out with me. I obviously still tend to avoid every thing he does that insinuates he could possibly want to have sex which is just a habit sometimes due to the past instances in our relationship. When he does everything right and perfect throughout the day and is nice I will have sex with him and eventually I figured maybe this will show him what I like since talking doesn’t, I’ll just pavlov him. Wrong! We have gone over a month without sex in the past and then he’ll randomly be perfect and I’ll even tell him a bunch how much I loved what he did for me, how he was so perfect that day and I appreciate him, etc. but he just doesn’t get the memo. And even when we have sex these days I don’t necessarily want to but I want him to be more caring to me. I have tried to have sex when I don’t want to but it just sucks so bad. I feel triggered and neglected and I even cried two different times but had to pull it back together during before he noticed. We used to have sex in any and every room of this apartment and now I just dread it. He also acts all butthurt every time I say no which made me feel guilty so I just don’t say no most of the time and legit just do everything physical in my power to show him I don’t want to until I do have to tell him no. He always would want to have sex at inconvenient times as well and I hate to be dirty from sex it just makes me feel so gross but he’d want to do it when I didn’t have time to shower and he knows how I feel about that. Before I would say yes and wouldn’t care but after all this now I hate being dirty. I just hate the fact I have other fluids on me or in me and I hate saliva and I hate the touching I used to like it just makes me feel like a pig or like I’m just a cow waiting to be milked. My step dad thinks if you don’t have sex you’re just glorified roommates. My mother thinks I at least need to do it once a week because of his needs. Dude. I just feel like no threads on here even relate to me at all. I can still masturbate easily and multiples times in one sitting but I feel guilty to do that because in my eyes it’s cheating if you watch porn and I hate that I am so against actual intercourse. It’s really not like I never want to. I don’t even know how to explain it. I really feel like it’s his fault but I don’t even know how to explain it anymore or if there’s even a point in trying. I hate when he touches my upper thigh or my sides or my stomach or my neck now too when before it was mainly just my private areas because I know all of those areas mean sex too. I don’t like to kiss a lot and especially not make out. I don’t want to do anything to him. I have never really let him go down on me and I definitely wouldn’t now. It’s happened maybe twice and I just would rather not. I used to like going down on him now I hate it. I just hate it all. It’s so disturbing. I wish he understood me or someone did. I have to tell everyone I just am not a sexual person, which isn’t even necessarily true. I know people think then there’s something wrong with me psychologically but if he’d ever listened to me EVER I might not have this problem to begin with. I know you’re supposed to fulfill your partners needs, but when are mine fulfilled about sex? Why as a woman is this all I’m good for anyways? I just hate it all man. And he makes cheating jokes sometimes or red pilled jokes and I hate cheating and I hate the things going on right now that are sabotaging us women and setting us back so far. Honestly I could keep going forever on this topic. I just hate it. Is there really something wrong with me? In my heart I know there isn’t. I just hate everything dude. Nobody ever treats me right sexually and even when it starts good it just ends up so bad. I don’t want to hate it. I just do now. What if because of all this stuff now I’m broken forever. I don’t want to be asexual or be with someone asexual (nothing against anyone who is) but sometimes I wish that was a solution for me. I thought I turned asexual before in the past when this stuff kind of happened and for a while I thought it again. I just don’t know what to do. Life feels so hard when it comes to this shit and I can only avoid it so long before I have to do it and then the cycle continues.