I can’t stop feeling like garbage. I keep hurting the people I love

I have BPD, and right now I feel like absolute garbage. Like I’m a walking disaster. Every time I try to be close to someone, every time I think I’m doing better, I end up doing or saying something that hurts the people I care about the most. It feels like I’m poison to anyone who gets close.

I hate that about myself. I hate how impulsive I get, how I act out of fear or panic or emptiness. I hate how I push people away or do self-sabotaging things just because I’m scared. And then afterwards I’m left with this crushing guilt, thinking: “You’re trash. You’re never going to change. You don’t deserve anyone.”

I’ve started therapy, and I’m trying to do the work, but in moments like this it feels pointless — like I’m doomed to repeat the same patterns forever.

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you cope when the self-loathing gets so loud that you can’t hear anything else? How do you stop believing you’re just a bad person who will always ruin things?

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not alone, or maybe advice from people who’ve been here and made it through.