My wife and life gone

I was in the bathroom, and my wife came in clutching her throat. She collapsed. I tried the Heimlich, my kids did. 911 was dialed right away, but we lost her pulse. We did CPR. EMTs got it back, but it's not good. Cardiac arrest, likely brain damage.

She's the sweetest person ever. Everybody loves her. I so wish it were me instead. I'm wracked with pain anyway. My kids have made me promise to not do anything rash, but if the news shakes out like the doctor predicts, I don't think anything would be rash. Fuck my life, how is it remotely fair that a gem like her dies, and a mutant like me lumbers on? Why is it fair to expect me to fucking "carry on." For what? The plan was that I died first. We have love, real love. Without her, I'm just a broken freak. She loved me. I love her.

I know I need to wait for the assessment, but the doc candidly said it ain't good. This is fucking torture. The thought of life without her is torture. I wish my kids would be merciful, and let me end it. I don't know if I have the heart to take their last parent away, or if I have the heart to go on without her. Lose/lose. She is beautiful and kind, generous and now she's gone for no good reason.

She's in the ICU. Fuck. I've dealt with a lot, but this is too much. Don't bother with the "reddit cares" shit. I'm just screaming into the void, and I'll decide for myself about the value of continuing. Not seeing an upside.