You know, normally it doesn't bother me.

I was on Twitter (I refuse to call it X.) and had made a comment on a post about people apparently freaking out because they were getting like $2500+ every month in food stamps and now they have been dropped down to like $200 a month.

I tested out of high school in 10th grade, and got three jobs @ 16, to afford to pay bills (my parents said if I wanted to have any say in what goes on i had to pay my share) and put myself through college (which didn't require hundreds of thousands of dollars you'll never pay off) while also having some spending money.

I worked consistently from 16-35. Then I lost my mind, and long story short I ended up on SSDI.

I mentioned on the Twitter post that I get a whopping $1,127/month in Disability, and my wife gets $129 in food stamps. When you do the math, $1,127/4 weeks is $281.75/week and if you divide that by 40 hours a week, it works out to $7.04/hr. I live in Southern California. The teenager flipping burgers at McDonald's is literally making triple what I make.

I know, Twitter is a cesspool of the worst people, but everyone started piling on, saying I could be a greeter at Walmart among other jobs, but the last "job" I had (not counting doordash which my wife and son and I did through covid) i had my own private office and the only person I answered to was the boss. I was mostly flying by the seat of my pants because the boss would ask me to do something and instead of admitting i had no idea what I was doing half the time, I would tell him I would take care of it, and then id go watch a ton of YouTube videos on whatever I was supposed to do.

Worked great for 6 months and then I lost my mind one day, locked the door, pushed my entire desk in front of the door and hid under the desk because of the mind bending visual hallucinations trying to kill me. Eventually he called 911, and through a lot of reassurance and coaxing the emts were able to "save" me.

I can tell you now...i can't work. I've tried. I have quite the laundry list of problems that are "in addition to" being schizophrenic. Im essentially bedridden, except for going to dr appointments, and going to the bathroom. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time, but I also can't sit in a seated position for more than a minute before I start flailing and twitching because of motor spasms.

Throw in audio and visual hallucinations and yeah. Who's going to hire me and make completely ridiculous exceptions for my behavior?

I don't know. Just reading so many people calling me a freeloader, that disability isn't for mental health issues, etc.

It really got to me. According to the SSA, im now classed as "terminally disabled", because of both my mental health and all my physical health issues as well.

I've spent most of the day trying not to cry, because my life is bad enough right now, I've not eaten in almost a week so that my wife and my son have more food to eat, because at this point im just done. The voices in my head say some of the worst things, stuff they haven't said in literally decades. Stuff that I did decades ago, because I was out of control. While I obviously won't go into detail, it was bad enough that I would have gone to prison had my dad not taken care of the problem. I hid a bottle of pills that im not only violently allergic to, but because of my Lybalvi, taking any opiate painkillers will kill me.

Im not going to unalive myself. But I seriously want to.

I just..I have no friends because I'm a horrible human being. I have no family besides my wife and my sons and one of three daughters, but the kids have their own lives.

Im just so broken now. I just want off this roller-coaster.