Relationship advice with an ACOA

Me (M35) and my girlfriend (F35) are in a relationship since 5 years. Since the beginning, I have seen in her what I understand are not uncommon traits of an acoa (her mom was alcoholic and abusive): lack of trust, anxiety, fear of abandonment, intrusive/suicidal thoughts, lack of self esteem. Discussions about love and building a family were brought up by her very early in the relationship, but I received them with fear from my side, as something fell off, too much pressure too early. Since then we always had troubles talking about it, going into very intense conversations. She is not sure about what she wants, but I feel she wants from me a level of clarity that I can't give her. I don't feel like I have ever fooled her, but it's true I am overall scared.

Me myself I didn't have the best romantic example in my family, my parents were living together but not really loving each other, so I also have my own traits which might resonate negatively with her needs. But I wasn't yet able to see those in past relationships.

I also observed plausible attempts of manipulation bounded to the intrusive thoughts: on several occasions she had them in combination with me hanging out with groups of friends, where also a friend's girlfriend was present, and I know she was jelous of her. I stupidity stopped seeing that group of friends, I wasn't able to justify my absence with them, and I see this as an unresolved issue that we are starting now to adress. She showed herself open in helping me gaining my friends back.

in the last 1.5 years we both had single therapy sessions and the relationship has improved drastically. My therapist thought me to set boundaries and explained me the importance of having a balance of power in the relationship. Her therapist helped her recognize and name feelings, before they come out in a messy and emotional way.

I really love her and she is an incredibly beautiful person. The fact that she went through so much trouble as a child makes her even more valuable to me as a person, but as a partner it's somehow difficult and I respond by avoiding starting a conversation on important topics such as marriage and children, I guess I am just really scared and trying to protect myself, consciously and unconsciously. When she picks up the topic I am happy to talk about it, I am open both to marriage and having children even if it's not at the top of my needs.

She is a fantastic person and the idea of us not being together is simply terrible. At the same time I feel I am never enough in supporting her, listening to her, and be excited with/about her. If I have a busy moment when I am not available to listen to her, I feel I am being punished for it. I am going through a very intense situation at work and this is one of those moments.

We are also going into marriage, with me clearly seeing it more as a practical decision, but backed by what I feel is deep but disillusioned love. I see some aspects of our relationship have to be celebrated, and some are still work in progress, for example the sex life. She misses the traditional side of things like a proposal, rings, and the genuine excitement of a wedding with everything that come with it.

If anybody thinks they have an useful input for me, I'd love to read it. Also happy to the ake questions.

All the best