I'm tired of this shit.....

I don't even know how to start, no life's been like this since I was born.... it's just.... depressing. I'm not sure if any of my friends are with me because they wanna be, i'm not sure if i can even trust myself. My dad's just getting worse, not like being worse for me, but he's just getting physically worse, he can't even sit without his whole body being in pain. He has every sickness under the sun (except cancer, thanks God). We pay 500k in my home country's currency every month for his medication, which is around $400 every MONTH. His salary isn't enough, since we live in a rented house, are under debt from nearly everyone we know. Our relatives all hate us for some reason, even though i'm pretty sure we haven't done anything bad from our side. My life's just been downs after downs. I literally don't know what to do. I'm getting fatter and fatter from stress eating, and i'm fucking addicted to porn, and i have suicidal thoughts every now and then. As much as I try to be positive, look happy, try to be playful and joke around, but i'm just tired of pretending to be something i'm not. I'm tired of being the positive and 'find the good in everyone' person. I just want this all to end. I wanna see a day where my dad doesn't cry, where I see my mom genuinely happy, where I suddenly wake up one day, and everything's fine. That this was all just a fucked up nightmare.