Turned on by seduction, want to change

First time poster, ocasional lurker, very nervous!!

I was coerced to have sex with a stranger I was making out with in 2018. Years of therapy later I could call it rape and start observing how the experience affected my relationship patterns (all relationships began with a hook up and then I spun it into a love story and developed tons of feelings.) This healing was only possible after meeting my husband and breaking the cycle with him.

It was also common to fall into patterns of being seduced by people (mostly men in a sexual way [I even was the other woman in an affair with an older man bc of this] but also in flirtatious friendships with women)

So for about 4 years or so i believed this was my inherent personality when it came to sex: I love tons of sex / I love being chased / I love power dynamics — until I recognized the pattern and realize this was all because I was raped.

I love the safety and trust I experience with my partner now. And there’s still a lot I’m unpacking (enjoying sex but still kind of freezing into a pillow princess [which is not how I used to be!], having a hard time wanting anything in particular or speaking up about it) and he’s wonderful at respecting and supporting my process.

But the question I have today, and the reason to make this burner account, has to do with what still turns me on: stories of uneven power dynamics, inappropriate or unwanted advances, seduction by people in power, and that kind of coercion that for me turned into years of a gray area (“I haven’t told him I’m enjoying this, so he’s making an unethical assumption that I am, but I truly am” kind of narrative)

I’m still “seduced” in a way by these fictional imaginings. And I don’t like it. I feel dirty. It reminds me that I was raped. It blurs the boundary of ethics. It’s not relevant to my wonderful sexual relationship with my husband. I feel shame about it. It feels like my body and brain are betraying my mind or conscience when I get turned on by that kind of content.

Should I just decide to be okay with it and like it? Do I need to train my brain to like other things? Do I need to unpack more about my experience of being raped? (We all know the answer to that is always yes…) Will it fade with time and more healing? Would role playing with my partner suffice? (Meep I can’t imagine that!) Should I just detox and hope for the best? Is specifically sex therapy needed?

[For added context my husband is a total sweetheart softy with much less sexual experience than me, so he definitely doesn’t fit the seductive character type. He does often lead in initiating but he’s still finding his style and wants to tread carefully for my sake. I think if he had been a seducer I wouldn’t have been able to marry him!]

Thank you in advance for your gentleness and kindness. This is all big shakey stuff.